I suppose I am overdue for an update. According to my last post I was putting all my fears aside and I was going to go back to my church. Well guess what? I DID NOT! My fears won and I just could not make myself go to church. I just do not feel I belong there. I feel like I am an outcast and I do not think that this is a place I should be feeling like a stranger at. I just don't understand why no one in my church has reached out to me no calls no emails not even from the pastor asking if we was okay or why we haven't been to church or hey do we need to pray about something for y'all.NOTHING! I have made up my mind I need to find a new church somewhere I am embraced instead of outcasted. Not sure when I will put my best foot forward and proceed with this because of my anxiety and new places but, I know I need to and I guess that is the first step.
     The last few days depression has really had me down. My brain has been working over time and I just want to scream "shut up already". I had feeling like this. I just want to be normal and I hate that I never will be.
     I just want to be loved and accepted! Is that so hard. Even friends I had once close aren't even really friends anymore  WTF cant I have a real best friend. Am I not meant to have that in my life? I guess not. So, hey there is your up date. I hate me at this point.

maybe I am afraid of change ....

     So, here I am once again thinking that I am way to much of a chicken to try something new. I really felt that I need to find a new church because my church seems to be getting worse and worse in the not so friendly department and yeah maybe that could be my fault because I am not an outgoing person but, I do want to feel that I belong just like anyone else does. Even though I have some problems with just a few of the members who have grown up in my church it is just that, no more their church then it is my church and we should all consider we are all there for one purpose and that is to hear the good word of the Lord. 
     I have started feeling better even though I am still having high glucose readings and my faith in mankind is gone but, I have noticed I backed away from God and my faith in him has been extremely small and I need to find a way to have a better walk with him. I would rather live on earth as if there will be a God than to live on earth as if there is not a God and die and find out there is a God. I still struggle because if our God was so good why does he allow such bad things to happen but, then I am told that is so you will come to him and learn to live by his ways. I guess I can sorta understand that.
     I am going to go back to my church starting tomorrow night and try this all again and see how far this can take me this time.