I suppose I am overdue for an update. According to my last post I was putting all my fears aside and I was going to go back to my church. Well guess what? I DID NOT! My fears won and I just could not make myself go to church. I just do not feel I belong there. I feel like I am an outcast and I do not think that this is a place I should be feeling like a stranger at. I just don't understand why no one in my church has reached out to me no calls no emails not even from the pastor asking if we was okay or why we haven't been to church or hey do we need to pray about something for y'all.NOTHING! I have made up my mind I need to find a new church somewhere I am embraced instead of outcasted. Not sure when I will put my best foot forward and proceed with this because of my anxiety and new places but, I know I need to and I guess that is the first step.
     The last few days depression has really had me down. My brain has been working over time and I just want to scream "shut up already". I had feeling like this. I just want to be normal and I hate that I never will be.
     I just want to be loved and accepted! Is that so hard. Even friends I had once close aren't even really friends anymore  WTF cant I have a real best friend. Am I not meant to have that in my life? I guess not. So, hey there is your up date. I hate me at this point.