Changes...

     I stopped writing in here because I thought that my thoughts and feelings might be too personal for others to read but, I have decided no matter what people might think of me because I am expressing my thoughts in a blog for the world to read is all on them. I think maybe writing about how I feel or what's going on will just be who I am. Life hasn't been a bowl of cream and cherries for me.....so many ups and downs... and so many disappointments on how I thought life should of been for me. I don't want to look back and I want to stop worrying about what will be ahead of me. I know I am doing wishful thinking though.

     The last I wrote was about my husband and thank God he was able to recover and continue with a normal life. I know how it all could of went the other way. Dennis is such a good man and he does everything for his family, he wants to make sure we are happy and that he can provide as best as he can. I am so grateful for all that. However, I pray I am able to one day return the favor of taking such good care of us all when he is not. Thats what I plan to do with my degree. Even though I have a mental illness and depression is really bad when I am in my downs I sure hope I will be able to find a job and live a normal working life as best as I can.

     I took a bible study class for sexual molestation survivors and it brought up so many things I had thought I dealt with and stuck in my vault never to be thought of again. This class made me look at it all again and I started to retreat mentally again and fall into depression. The teachers are not psychologist just life experience teachers so when I started having issues with my PTSD again no one was able to help me. I got into a group therapy session for a while but, ended up getting removed from their program due to I missed to many sessions. I am sorry I am just not a morning person if they would have offered afternoon classes I would not of had any problems trying to attend. So, even though I was discharged from that I still have the doctor who I need to see he has me on prozac for now. I don't feel that it is working because a few days ago I had a severe down and would not get out of the bed for two days. Mentally I had a melt down. I couldn't stop feeling so sad and crying. I really wanted to just die. I new that is wrong thinking for me though how dare I have thoughts like that but, how dare all the people around me to say "snap out of it" Oh yes if it was just that easy! Right!!

     I also have lost the faith in humanity at my church. Every since the thing with D running her mouth telling C things we had said when we was in a mess/in a bad way and stupid me thinking I was talking to a friend not someone who would set out to hurt me. When the big blowout happened C said "you have never giving me a reason to like you but you have given my a few reasons to not like you. but it don't matter sometimes two ppl just don't match. bottom line is I won't associate with people who don't care about me. " 
That is where I started getting a sore taste in my mouth okay I never knew I had to "make" people like me. I didn't know this was something people make a competition. She is however right some people just don't match. This is a women I would not want in the after school programs teaching my children after all she is a huge hypocrite herself and really loves to smoke the good weed! Okay so let me get this straight she didn't care about me or like me but because she thinks I don't care about her I wont be associated with...well whoop TEE doo!!

This all happened six months ago see C grew up in our church which oh BTW I was told it is her church :) anyhow things with other members also has gotten weird it seems we have become the church's outcast and people who once was friendly and said hello seem to stare right through us and not say a word. I have been a member of my church 2 years now but, it dont look like its going to change or get any better. I am comfortable/set in my way and afraid to change or try something new but, I think it might be time to locate a new church for Dennis and I. I am not sure how the kids will be about it because all their friends are there.

     It is amazing how much life can change in a blink of an eye. Last year before Thanksgiving Dennis having a minor heart attack really scared the hell out of me. I was so scared of losing him and it left me to wondering how would I make it and raise the kids with out him? I remember seeing him laying there clucking his chest and me screaming out him with tears in my eyes " don't you fuckin leave me!!" From that event it sent a course for several events to do nothing but create heart attack and pain. People I tried to help and thought was friends turned out to be nothing but alcoholic, lying, whores. Because of some scentless things said about some people, well I had one or two people turned against me in my church. Even though what was supposedly said of me was not true at all. My adopted mom once again had another surgery I was not allowed to know of while yet again my sister Brandy knew it all and was able to be there while I was not. Who is she to keep me out? I do not want to hate but, events and actions of others make me so angry and all I want to do is hate. I keep forgiving but, this just keeps building up and I don't know how much more I can take of the crappy way I keep getting treated. Why cant I have good people in my life? Why cant I have real friends or family that actually give a rats ass about me for once?
     The New Year has started and so far it has been a wonderful changing journey. Dennis has a new job with the YMCA he is a maintenance supervisor and we will have lots of benefits and health insurance this is something we have needed in a long time and we are both so happy and excited for this new change. I am in my senior year with Walden U. I am excited to be on the last stretch of my educational journey.  

"We endure so much more than we think we can, all human experience testifies to that. All we need to do is learn not to be afraid of the pain. Grit your teeth and let it hurt. Don't deny it, don't be overwhelmed by it. it will not last forever. One day the pain will be gone and you'll still be here." -Harold Kushner

     It seems no matter how hard I try I just cant seem to do or get anything right. I am just me and if you cant accept me for who I am or accept the fact that I have been more of a friend then oh heck well. I really hate people who throw around there money. I may not have things to offer I can buy you shit but, I have been good to you! A part of me want to go back to my old ways shut em out then I don't have to feel, I don't think I am wrong in that either.
     I feel horrible I have managed to get both of Dennis daughters up in arms with him and for all they know he isn't even the one posting or saying shit but, since they think it was what are we suppose to do? I think they are both selfish and just uncaring, and cold hearted to treat their own father like they have. I think it is so sad he is more loved and respected by my children then he is by his own. The second to oldest thought she would be funny and let everyone know just how much she loves her children in which she should but then she mentions that money hungry bitch of an ex wife who she calls mom. Sorta funny the story I hear Dennis was only with Lori for 4 years and his girls hated her then she was the horrible step mom they didn't even live with them that long before going back to their mommy in Ga. How sad and pathetic are you to say you admire your ex step moms husband as a godly father who taught you how to treat his wife. You make laugh. When your own father treats his wife like a queen we laugh, cry, love , worship, and always together but, yet you think running your mouth is going to solve anything. I got your game girl you just jealous that your dads not going to take your shit no more he has a real family now people in his life that love him and don't treat him like he is trash. I think you both should be totally ashamed of yourself how you've acted since your both what 30 something and you act like your in High school. So sad and pathetic!
     On a better note we went to church this evening with our wonderful church for Christmas eve services. Made it home safe this year without a dear hitting us this year..lol.

     I tell you what I do not give a crap how old Dennis oldest daughter is she is being a total BITCH. I can not believe how disregardful she is being to her own dad and how ugly she is being with words towards him. Okay miss I am to big for my britches easy to post some words on a FB status but, do you have the nerve to call him up and say the crap to his face? I bet you wouldn't like what he has to say!!

     This is her post Love? Hypocrisy? Loyalty? Passing Judgement? Forgiving? Now that is a subject you and I should never discuss. I forgave you years ago God alone can judge me its not my place to take YOUR inventory. As far as loyalty my husband my children and my family are loyal we cry together rejoice together serve each other and our community never looking at what we can gain only what we can give. Hypocrite now that is one I'm gonna have to walk away from because it will dredge up old feelings difference between me and you I have no guilt or regrets

     What gives this ungrateful brat the audacity to muster such words at this man who has not done a damn thing to her except post a few bible verses in which she must have such a horrible guilty conscious about that she thinks he is speaking to her. Hello brat life does not rotate around you and guess what you aren't that important anymore. I guess since your mom went and killed herself about 4 our so years ago that gives you the right to help your other parent walk right out of your life to. Was you never taught respect? 

     Oh and dont get me started on loyalty you selfish little bitch. This man is loyal to his family the ones who have been there. Where have you been? Have you had a chance to come see your father and didnt? Pssshh you got some freakin nerve because this man and his family yes I said his family which includes me, Britt, Dacoda, Justin, and Josh we all cry together  we rejoice together  we serve each other and our community and our churches never asking what we can gain in return its also only what we can give. So, your not all that special Ms. We are the ones who have been there for each other not you. We are his family and we chose it because we love him. Kinda funny you say you love him but, yet you have never done anything for him. Where is the giving for the man who gave you life? In the 15 years I have been with this man he has had a mini stroke and two minor heart attacks where were you? Not at your fathers side. We was! We never left his side. So, I tell you what he don't need you, we more then make up for you. I tell you what though you keep running your crappy ass mouth you are gonna find out who I am.

     Amazing that nothing ever changes or no wait what is it that they said " somethings never change" she actually had the nerve to say that to her father!? I tell you what if I had the power to reach through a screw and slap the stupid out of her I would have. She has not seen her father on ummm 15 or more years. She doesn't even know the man yet she has the nerve to disrespect him like that? She has the assiduity to muster such filth from her mouth. She has no idea how she has hurt the man who has done nothing but, love her. She should be ashamed of herself how she is trying to hurt him. Trust me words can cut deeply and she has managed to do just that because now he is ready to just be rid of her. He knows who loves him and its sad to say when his own flesh is so callous and cold its more then cruel. He has said more then ones "his family is right here" he knows who loves him. He says he is not hurt but I see that he is. I am angry because she has hurt someone I love and yes I wish there was something I could say but, he tells me leave it alone. That's okay darling go ahead keep ramming that knife in a little more and push your father a little more away every time. Then maybe one day you will see where you screwed up and then it will all be to late and you will wish you had been a little more kind.

vent...

I am not even sure if I want to come on here and blog about this crap but, I haven't blogged or wrote about my feelings in such a long time I guess I really don't care if all the Ms perfects with the perfect life and perfect family do read and judge me.

I am at another point in my life where I think I am absolutely losing it. So, many bills and never enough money to cover it. I feel like so much is caving in on me. Mind mind is running a constant 1000 miles per hour. I am not sleeping as per to say. I can not concentrate and do my work in my classes as per to say. I look in the mirror and I hate who I see looking back at me. I am so depressed I just want to lay down and never get back up.

Monday I guess I actually scared myself I called the crisis line and I was seen on an emergency case basics. I was not placed in the hospital because they thought it would stress me out even more to be away from Dennis and the boys so that's why I was aloud to stay home but, I had to sign a contract and mark a plan of course of what to down I am stressed and why to do to prevent me from harming myself. I am going back on the meds that alone is scary for me no one wants to have a mental illness and I do not want to be ill let alone mentally.

Is this all life has to offer? This is it! I feel so alone I feel like I have no purpose. I really hate life and I hate myself so much. Worse yet I see everyone else with their perfect lil lives and how normal and so happy they all are and I hate me even more for not being them. I've been bawling for the last hour and I can not stop my tears from falling when I am suppose to be writing a paper to turn in this evening but I cant concentrate. I don't even want to do school anymore which would be stupid of me when in Jan I start my senior year. 

I am so fed up I am so confused!! I don't know what to do!!