Changes...

     I stopped writing in here because I thought that my thoughts and feelings might be too personal for others to read but, I have decided no matter what people might think of me because I am expressing my thoughts in a blog for the world to read is all on them. I think maybe writing about how I feel or what's going on will just be who I am. Life hasn't been a bowl of cream and cherries for me.....so many ups and downs... and so many disappointments on how I thought life should of been for me. I don't want to look back and I want to stop worrying about what will be ahead of me. I know I am doing wishful thinking though.

     The last I wrote was about my husband and thank God he was able to recover and continue with a normal life. I know how it all could of went the other way. Dennis is such a good man and he does everything for his family, he wants to make sure we are happy and that he can provide as best as he can. I am so grateful for all that. However, I pray I am able to one day return the favor of taking such good care of us all when he is not. Thats what I plan to do with my degree. Even though I have a mental illness and depression is really bad when I am in my downs I sure hope I will be able to find a job and live a normal working life as best as I can.

     I took a bible study class for sexual molestation survivors and it brought up so many things I had thought I dealt with and stuck in my vault never to be thought of again. This class made me look at it all again and I started to retreat mentally again and fall into depression. The teachers are not psychologist just life experience teachers so when I started having issues with my PTSD again no one was able to help me. I got into a group therapy session for a while but, ended up getting removed from their program due to I missed to many sessions. I am sorry I am just not a morning person if they would have offered afternoon classes I would not of had any problems trying to attend. So, even though I was discharged from that I still have the doctor who I need to see he has me on prozac for now. I don't feel that it is working because a few days ago I had a severe down and would not get out of the bed for two days. Mentally I had a melt down. I couldn't stop feeling so sad and crying. I really wanted to just die. I new that is wrong thinking for me though how dare I have thoughts like that but, how dare all the people around me to say "snap out of it" Oh yes if it was just that easy! Right!!

     I also have lost the faith in humanity at my church. Every since the thing with D running her mouth telling C things we had said when we was in a mess/in a bad way and stupid me thinking I was talking to a friend not someone who would set out to hurt me. When the big blowout happened C said "you have never giving me a reason to like you but you have given my a few reasons to not like you. but it don't matter sometimes two ppl just don't match. bottom line is I won't associate with people who don't care about me. " 
That is where I started getting a sore taste in my mouth okay I never knew I had to "make" people like me. I didn't know this was something people make a competition. She is however right some people just don't match. This is a women I would not want in the after school programs teaching my children after all she is a huge hypocrite herself and really loves to smoke the good weed! Okay so let me get this straight she didn't care about me or like me but because she thinks I don't care about her I wont be associated with...well whoop TEE doo!!

This all happened six months ago see C grew up in our church which oh BTW I was told it is her church :) anyhow things with other members also has gotten weird it seems we have become the church's outcast and people who once was friendly and said hello seem to stare right through us and not say a word. I have been a member of my church 2 years now but, it dont look like its going to change or get any better. I am comfortable/set in my way and afraid to change or try something new but, I think it might be time to locate a new church for Dennis and I. I am not sure how the kids will be about it because all their friends are there.