will it ever get better....

     I had a wonderful weekend with my guys this past weekend we went to Galveston, drove down early on Saturday morning and spent the whole day at schlitterbahn playing in the water. Joshua spent some time with us but, Justin didn't spend any because he had Kurstyn there because her dad surprised her with the trip. Which was fine I just wish we had been more important to spend some time with, I think I missed out he will be 18 soon and who knows where his life is going to take him. I guess I am afraid of losing him like I did Brittany who wanted to get away so fast she went all the way to New York and I haven't seen her in over three years and Dacoda as soon as he turned 18 he was gone and now he lives near Houston. Sorta makes me sad. I think thats why my depression has been so bad I constantly think of things that should not be a major factor right now and I let it all take me down.
     I look at myself right now and I hate it what I see. I hate that we struggle so much...I hate that my worrying keeps me locked up....I hate that I have no friends...I have "friends" through facebook, but, in real life when I make a friend they leave...I hate myself right now...Am I a good person?? I look at myself in the mirror and I hate who I see...and I have no one to talk to...family is never there when I need them to get through these dark times...I have no friends to lean on...all I have is Dennis and my two boys :(