"We endure so much more than we think we can, all human experience testifies to that. All we need to do is learn not to be afraid of the pain. Grit your teeth and let it hurt. Don't deny it, don't be overwhelmed by it. it will not last forever. One day the pain will be gone and you'll still be here." -Harold Kushner

     It seems no matter how hard I try I just cant seem to do or get anything right. I am just me and if you cant accept me for who I am or accept the fact that I have been more of a friend then oh heck well. I really hate people who throw around there money. I may not have things to offer I can buy you shit but, I have been good to you! A part of me want to go back to my old ways shut em out then I don't have to feel, I don't think I am wrong in that either.
     I feel horrible I have managed to get both of Dennis daughters up in arms with him and for all they know he isn't even the one posting or saying shit but, since they think it was what are we suppose to do? I think they are both selfish and just uncaring, and cold hearted to treat their own father like they have. I think it is so sad he is more loved and respected by my children then he is by his own. The second to oldest thought she would be funny and let everyone know just how much she loves her children in which she should but then she mentions that money hungry bitch of an ex wife who she calls mom. Sorta funny the story I hear Dennis was only with Lori for 4 years and his girls hated her then she was the horrible step mom they didn't even live with them that long before going back to their mommy in Ga. How sad and pathetic are you to say you admire your ex step moms husband as a godly father who taught you how to treat his wife. You make laugh. When your own father treats his wife like a queen we laugh, cry, love , worship, and always together but, yet you think running your mouth is going to solve anything. I got your game girl you just jealous that your dads not going to take your shit no more he has a real family now people in his life that love him and don't treat him like he is trash. I think you both should be totally ashamed of yourself how you've acted since your both what 30 something and you act like your in High school. So sad and pathetic!
     On a better note we went to church this evening with our wonderful church for Christmas eve services. Made it home safe this year without a dear hitting us this year..lol.

     I tell you what I do not give a crap how old Dennis oldest daughter is she is being a total BITCH. I can not believe how disregardful she is being to her own dad and how ugly she is being with words towards him. Okay miss I am to big for my britches easy to post some words on a FB status but, do you have the nerve to call him up and say the crap to his face? I bet you wouldn't like what he has to say!!

     This is her post Love? Hypocrisy? Loyalty? Passing Judgement? Forgiving? Now that is a subject you and I should never discuss. I forgave you years ago God alone can judge me its not my place to take YOUR inventory. As far as loyalty my husband my children and my family are loyal we cry together rejoice together serve each other and our community never looking at what we can gain only what we can give. Hypocrite now that is one I'm gonna have to walk away from because it will dredge up old feelings difference between me and you I have no guilt or regrets

     What gives this ungrateful brat the audacity to muster such words at this man who has not done a damn thing to her except post a few bible verses in which she must have such a horrible guilty conscious about that she thinks he is speaking to her. Hello brat life does not rotate around you and guess what you aren't that important anymore. I guess since your mom went and killed herself about 4 our so years ago that gives you the right to help your other parent walk right out of your life to. Was you never taught respect? 

     Oh and dont get me started on loyalty you selfish little bitch. This man is loyal to his family the ones who have been there. Where have you been? Have you had a chance to come see your father and didnt? Pssshh you got some freakin nerve because this man and his family yes I said his family which includes me, Britt, Dacoda, Justin, and Josh we all cry together  we rejoice together  we serve each other and our community and our churches never asking what we can gain in return its also only what we can give. So, your not all that special Ms. We are the ones who have been there for each other not you. We are his family and we chose it because we love him. Kinda funny you say you love him but, yet you have never done anything for him. Where is the giving for the man who gave you life? In the 15 years I have been with this man he has had a mini stroke and two minor heart attacks where were you? Not at your fathers side. We was! We never left his side. So, I tell you what he don't need you, we more then make up for you. I tell you what though you keep running your crappy ass mouth you are gonna find out who I am.

     Amazing that nothing ever changes or no wait what is it that they said " somethings never change" she actually had the nerve to say that to her father!? I tell you what if I had the power to reach through a screw and slap the stupid out of her I would have. She has not seen her father on ummm 15 or more years. She doesn't even know the man yet she has the nerve to disrespect him like that? She has the assiduity to muster such filth from her mouth. She has no idea how she has hurt the man who has done nothing but, love her. She should be ashamed of herself how she is trying to hurt him. Trust me words can cut deeply and she has managed to do just that because now he is ready to just be rid of her. He knows who loves him and its sad to say when his own flesh is so callous and cold its more then cruel. He has said more then ones "his family is right here" he knows who loves him. He says he is not hurt but I see that he is. I am angry because she has hurt someone I love and yes I wish there was something I could say but, he tells me leave it alone. That's okay darling go ahead keep ramming that knife in a little more and push your father a little more away every time. Then maybe one day you will see where you screwed up and then it will all be to late and you will wish you had been a little more kind.

vent...

I am not even sure if I want to come on here and blog about this crap but, I haven't blogged or wrote about my feelings in such a long time I guess I really don't care if all the Ms perfects with the perfect life and perfect family do read and judge me.

I am at another point in my life where I think I am absolutely losing it. So, many bills and never enough money to cover it. I feel like so much is caving in on me. Mind mind is running a constant 1000 miles per hour. I am not sleeping as per to say. I can not concentrate and do my work in my classes as per to say. I look in the mirror and I hate who I see looking back at me. I am so depressed I just want to lay down and never get back up.

Monday I guess I actually scared myself I called the crisis line and I was seen on an emergency case basics. I was not placed in the hospital because they thought it would stress me out even more to be away from Dennis and the boys so that's why I was aloud to stay home but, I had to sign a contract and mark a plan of course of what to down I am stressed and why to do to prevent me from harming myself. I am going back on the meds that alone is scary for me no one wants to have a mental illness and I do not want to be ill let alone mentally.

Is this all life has to offer? This is it! I feel so alone I feel like I have no purpose. I really hate life and I hate myself so much. Worse yet I see everyone else with their perfect lil lives and how normal and so happy they all are and I hate me even more for not being them. I've been bawling for the last hour and I can not stop my tears from falling when I am suppose to be writing a paper to turn in this evening but I cant concentrate. I don't even want to do school anymore which would be stupid of me when in Jan I start my senior year. 

I am so fed up I am so confused!! I don't know what to do!!

pain go away plz...

When does it ever end? Why? I just do not understand any of it. For Dacoda to run to Austin, Texas and live with his bio dad just baffles me. His dad has never been there for him since day one. For example of day one. I sat in a stupid rv trailer all alone in serious labor pain while he went to borrow a truck to take me to the hospital and took almost 2 hours to return because he said he had to feed the horses first. I get to the hospital and I am already at a 10 in the parking lot so I am rushed upstairs into the O.R. while James just leaves don't stick around and check on me or nothing he was supposedly taking Brittany our daughter to a babysitter but, he doesn't get back to the hospital till the next day because I find out later he is to busy screwing another women while i was having his baby all alone.My adopted parents came a 3 hour drive and held Dacoda before his own father did. James is and will always be a piece of shit in my book. Look in the dictionary for the definition of a weasel and you will see his picture. I guess Dacoda has burned so many bridges he has to find some new victims but why he wants to go live with that man and that mans new 3rd wife who btw isnt nothing but,another bar fly just like James is is just freaking messed up. Your suppose to love your children unconditionally but how can this be possible when all your child has done is hurt you and slapped you in the face over and over? I want nothing more then to go to Austin and punch the crap out of a few people.

Ugh is all I can say...

     Okay so I am so frustrated right now. Seriously why the hell I want a man to be one of my very best friends is just about not worth my time and effort. Well Scott has been a really close friend and I feel I can say just about anything to him and things with our friendship have been going good. Till now that he got a new girlfriend(rolling my eyes). So, now when he talks to me online he is also talking to her and guess which one gets neglected? Right me!! I say "working weekend again" he says no he has a date tomorrow night and they are going to go eat Mexican food....Okay well freakin A thats my favorite dangit!! Not only that but guess what last few weeks when he was off work did he make time to come hang out with us?HELL NO!! But he can real fast and in a hurry make time for the new gf but, not for his friends. Actions speaks a lot louder then words and his actions freakin stink right now. Hope your new gf works out for you cause you may not have a friend to talk to if it dont. Cause this girl sure does remember how she has been treated. That whole time I was in the hospital did I get a visit? a get well card...heck even a fb post? Ohh of course not. I am sick of it. For now on I am going to start treating people like they treat me which is really freaking crappy and see if you like it. I bet if I stop talking to you for a few days you wont even notice.
     Another thing that happened today that really got my goat was my brother hasn't had anything to say or do with me since he came over and ate dinner a few weeks ago with his girls.Now what gets me is he did not hesitate to call my husband today and ask to borrow money and we could hold a chain saw till he pays us back. This is what gets me they don't call unless they need something. I aint family unless I can provide something. Not only does this hurt me but it makes me not want to help them out. Also, what makes a person think Dennis and I have it made? Yes, we do live from week to week we don't have nothing saved for a rainy day. We have a home we pay a lot in rent. We have utility bills to pay, car note, insurance that is over 100 a month, washer and dryer monthly payment, and lets not forget food in which we dont get any food stamps for so we actually pay for that to, and the basic needs, and wants of our own children. I sat and cried today I couldn't believe the gall but, you know what we lent you the money even though I am only your sister when you need something. This hurts me so much.
     So, now onto a more funny subject. I recently got contacts. When I went into my eye doctor he was the one who put them in showing me how to and what I need to use to keep them clean etc. I was so funny cause I kept closing my eyes while he was trying to put them in and he would say now stop doing that. I was like" I am trying" lol. He gets them in and so I am off wearing them to drive wow this is so cool I can actually wear a pair of sunglasses now and I love it. However, I am not prepared to take these things out at home. Lord I swear it took me a whole hour I just could not pinch these things out of my eyes. I was starting to seriously panic. Dennis was like sorry babe I dont know how to help you I havent had those things or know anyone who did. Okay so I thought maybe its my nails I am scared to scratch my eyes out. So, I cut them!! Yay I can do it!!Nope still didnt work. These suckers was stuck. I was getting upset then I remembered my best friend Scott has contacts so I called him and told him what was going on and I was stressed. He tells me I just have dry contacts and i need to use my wet solution to wet them in my eyes move my contacts around some to get them moist and do what I normally do to get them out. Did it work? OMG finally!! I was screaming praise the lord!! Dennis said well didnt I tell you the same thing as Scott did? I said no you told me that my fingers where to dry or to wet...lol. Then the next day I felt my eyes just could not take them and so I didnt put them in and just used my glasses. However today was another funny scene in the bathroom I think it took me 30 min total to get my contacts in I kept blinking and rolling my eyes..lol I sure hope this stuff gets easier and then when I took them out tonight it was easier then last time it only took me about 10 minutes..lol
     A few weeks ago I was in the hospital I had run out of my diabetic meds and was trying to just do it with diet because I could not afford the doctor visit right at this time. So, my blood sugars went into almost the 600's. I went into what they call hyperglycemia with keytones in blood which is a life threatening issue. I was in for 3 days. I felt so alone and like no one cared about me. No one came to see me. Even Dennis wasn't with me a whole lot. The only other person who came to see me and to remind me I am never alone was my pastor Bro James. It was also because of my pastor that I was able to get all the medicine I needed which includes 2 different types of insulin and everything cost over 100 dollars. I am so humble for what my church has done for me.

Bucket List

So, I was sitting here thinking the other night. Something I have way to much time on my hands to do. I was thinking about a bucket list. A bucket list to me means a list or a goal to reach or places I want to see before my time is up on this earth. So, I have started one and will add to it as things pop up in my little head. My list is just a list not in any certain order to do.


1. Florida beach
2. The Grand Canyon
3. Las Vegas
4. Keman Board walk
5. Graduate college with a bachelors in Science Human services degree
6. find a job I will be happy at where I wont have to stand on my feet all the time
7. Justin and Josh graduate from high school
8. have grandbaby
9. Volunteer 
10. meet my brothers and sisters from my bio dads side 
11. Cheesecake factory

Weekend away....

     I just had one of the best weekends ever. Dennis and I CELEBRATED our 5th wedding anniversary on Saturday so, we decided to take the boys and get out of town. On saturday we ended up in New Braunfels at the schlitterbahn water park. We met my cousin Rasler and his family there and we had a blast going down all the rides. We spent the day till about 7pm and then we drove to San Antonio got a room spent the night ate a wonderful meal at Maria Mia Mexican Bistro the food was great the service not so hot. I drank a Mia Rita and got a lil tipsy. We walked down on the riverwalk for a while and Dennis bought me a beautiful purle and silver cross to add to the collection on my wall. I also got a wonderful card and a dozen red roses from him.

     Sunday we started the day with eating at Dennys down town. Then we went down to the river and got on one of those river boats and did a tour that was so cool. We walked the river then went into the big mall on the river then over to the Alamo we went to see the monument that was neat to. Then after that I had a full day and was tired of walking and was just ready to make the 4 hour drive home. One of the best times ever with my family.

Waiting

Well while I am waiting for Justin to get off work. I thought I'd just say I am actually doing okay. Letting go and knowing I did what was best for me isn't hurting and lingering as much this time as it once it. No tears will be shed for you. Helps to have all my real friends rally for me to. I am not facing it all alone.

     Life proves to be surprising to me sometimes. I have been going through so much change in the last few months. I am watching Justin my 16 year old son grow up way to fast. He has his DL will be in the 11Th grade when school starts back up in the spring and he has a part time job at Wendy's. I am so proud of him out of his older siblings he has done so much on his own with out thinking something is just going to be handed to him. My youngest Joshua is 12 and will be going into Jr High school in the spring. He is also now in the youth at church and getting to do things he has never done before and he is loving it.

     Today I am dealing with the pain of having to let go of a friendship that meant a lot to me. A friendship I have had a very long time. I had to think long and hard about it but, Dennis said I can not continue with this toxic friendship anymore. Dennis said she is nothing but a spoiled  who will always have her mommy and daddy to lean on and pay her bills and keep a roof over her head while she boo hoos on the internet to people she thinks are her friends and plays the victim and look at poor pitiful me ..feel sorry for me...Okay so that's Dennis view of her but, after a talk he asked me sit there and write down all the good things now write down all the bad. Now tell me when has she ever really been there for you? How many times has she held your hand and been there? She really hasn't. She will never be on your level Amy. She don't know what its like to have children and to struggle wonder how your going to feed your kids or keep a roof over your head. I guess in a lot of ways he is right. Our friendship has been toxic. I am still in shock though I never thought she would of done what she did. Talk about me like that behind my back then lie and say she didn't say any names okay does that make it any better? No, you still ran your mouth about someone you supposedly cared about. Someone who was suppose to be your best friend. How sad are you that you need attention so bad you stooped so low. I am sorry this is not the kind of friend I want. I can not trust you and never will again. So, yes it is best to say good bye and be done with the friendship. I have other friends and I know God will open the door for me to have another Best friend a better good friendship for me. Not one who will constantly hurt me.

     On a better note Rebecca came to visit with her daughter Elizabeth a week ago. I really enjoyed our time together. I also really love those girls. We had good talks and a great visit. We all went to Schlitterbahn in Galveston. Which included Dacoda and Justin GF Heaven. We had so much fun. 

     Our AC went out in the house and has been out now for 9 days the AC man came out and looked at it and is waiting on the part we need to fix the mother board. Its been so hot in my house we cant do much like cook or clean way to hot so the place is starting to look a mess. I think we have been way to patient and it is really starting to piss us off. We have been camping out in my bedroom I have a small window unit that try to keep my room cool but, at times its even over 80 in my room. Just wish that part would get here and soon.

figures we messed the dates up

Today started off pretty early for this mamma. I had had about 3 hours of sleep when I hit the floor running because I had to get over to the new house to unload the stuff from Justin's room into the new house. Well it was a good thing I had a few minutes to look at my kiddos DL paperwork because he has actually missed his driving test day by 3 days it was on the 22nd not the 25th and of course I never looked I just assumed what was said was correct so now he has to go back on Tuesday and take his DL driving test at 4. Poor kid I know he was so disappointed. Well we will get it done just a few days later then originally planned. This weekend is a 3 weekend holiday we will be getting everything moved out of this house and moved to the next. I am so excited to get into our big house. Life will be good finally lord knows we deserve this good fortune. I praise god in the glory.

His birthday

Today is my youngest 12th birthday.  I can't believe how fast the years have passed. Josh will also be starting the 7TH grade that means Jr high school. Wow! I know josh will love the 3ds system we bought him

Sandman

I really hate when I finally go to bed. Even really late and I lay there for hours wide a wake.  My brain just won't shut down. Got so much going on. Ready to be moved to my new house next week can't get here fast enough.