death..

     Here it is 4 am and I am wide awake. I cant sleep again and I have nothing better to do but, sit her on my laptop and browse pages. I was on my sons page when another classmates post drew my attention. One of my sons classmates took his life last week. What makes a high school senior not want to live anymore on further investigation this boys page was public and I read several post even up to what I assume was the time he took his life he even left a note to his family on FB. As I strolled through it tears falling from my face.
     I almost feel guilty because I know what it is like to be in that kind of pain. I know what it is like to feel that you just cant carry on with life no more. This brought up all that pain again and I felt guilty because I read all the words of those he left behind and he was loved but just couldn't feel the love. I know what that is like also. I know I wanted so many times to give up heck Ive attempted it several times but, I am still here. This boy had a life a head of him he wanted to be a marine. Just got me to thinking and makes me so sad. I could not imagine losing my children to something like that.
    My mind is going a thousand miles an hour. Stuff like this almost has a scared effect on me because I get so depressed sometimes. I hope I am always strong enough to carry on.
     I know I never look sick but, mental illness is real I know I live with it everyday its a struggle on a daily basics. Some days are better then others thats for sure.

lessons....

Life lessons aren't always easy but, I continue to thank God for my lessons and whether good or bad I know I am taught them for a reason so I am embracing the bad with the good.

His will be done....

week....

     Well this week hasn't been the best week. While driving into Houston to take Joshua to the GI specialist on Tuesday my cars AC went out.Turns out the Freon leaked out and I need to get the compressor fixed. Which is not going to be cheap for the parts we need. Dr Thornhill said that good news test showed he does not have crohns and whatever caused his stay in the Childrens hospital and his swollen intestines was most likely just viral. They do however have a concern it is he has a fatty liver which could cause surosis(sp) of the liver. 
     So then the week continues and I am really bad sick by Wednesday coughing, sneezing,running fever but hey its Friday and I am starting to feel a little better now. On Thursday Dennis brought the company truck home his slave cylinder went out on his truck. Good news though he has good friends who found him a used part really cheap and will be putting on the truck for him at their shop for free. He has the company truck all weekend though.
     Here is hoping for a better weekend :) 

makes me kinda sad

     Its a bit ironic that supposedly a "friend" blocks me on FB again and I have not done anything to this person. I can only assume that maybe they thought my post were towards them! However, if she would have stopped and bothered to be a real friend to me which btw she really hasn't been a friend in a while and in no way will things ever be like they once was between us. For sure she has not been what I consider a BEST FRIEND due to the fact that she really isn't there like my best friends are they stick with me no matter what they love me unconditionally even when its hard to because heck I know I don't make it easy.
     Okay so I been going through some stuff lately which in no way has to do with her. Its my page right?! Last I checked I am still me and I still post stuff that goes with my emotions most times. Do I share what I am going through? No its not anyone's business but mine. Did she bother to ask me what was going on or am I okay? I thought that is what friends do but, I guess not. Shame on me. Fooled me once to many times.

Oh this was my very last post and I bet she didn't even see this one,

     I am where I am today because of the bridges that I've crossed. The bridges I've burned and because I've had the wisdom to know which bridges to repair. Good night my family and friends. I dont know how I do without my Rocks you know who you are.  each and every person on this list in one way or another your here because you mean something to me and you each bring something to my life. I hope you all know how special you are. Good night may tomorrow bring brighter day!

     Oh here I am blogging again. I know I only seem to blog when I am down but, hey what can I say that seems to be when I do my best self talking.
     I have dreams so big and don't think I will ever be able to accomplish just half of what I hope to. Sure ive started late in life ive made lots of mistakes and I was punished. Do I still have to be punished? I am not that person anymore. I have  a kind loving heart and all I want to do is give and help others.
     I want to photograph people and give them memory's to keep forever.
     Why cant I get a chance why wont anyone take a chance on me?

     
     I suppose I am overdue for an update. According to my last post I was putting all my fears aside and I was going to go back to my church. Well guess what? I DID NOT! My fears won and I just could not make myself go to church. I just do not feel I belong there. I feel like I am an outcast and I do not think that this is a place I should be feeling like a stranger at. I just don't understand why no one in my church has reached out to me no calls no emails not even from the pastor asking if we was okay or why we haven't been to church or hey do we need to pray about something for y'all.NOTHING! I have made up my mind I need to find a new church somewhere I am embraced instead of outcasted. Not sure when I will put my best foot forward and proceed with this because of my anxiety and new places but, I know I need to and I guess that is the first step.
     The last few days depression has really had me down. My brain has been working over time and I just want to scream "shut up already". I had feeling like this. I just want to be normal and I hate that I never will be.
     I just want to be loved and accepted! Is that so hard. Even friends I had once close aren't even really friends anymore  WTF cant I have a real best friend. Am I not meant to have that in my life? I guess not. So, hey there is your up date. I hate me at this point.

maybe I am afraid of change ....

     So, here I am once again thinking that I am way to much of a chicken to try something new. I really felt that I need to find a new church because my church seems to be getting worse and worse in the not so friendly department and yeah maybe that could be my fault because I am not an outgoing person but, I do want to feel that I belong just like anyone else does. Even though I have some problems with just a few of the members who have grown up in my church it is just that, no more their church then it is my church and we should all consider we are all there for one purpose and that is to hear the good word of the Lord. 
     I have started feeling better even though I am still having high glucose readings and my faith in mankind is gone but, I have noticed I backed away from God and my faith in him has been extremely small and I need to find a way to have a better walk with him. I would rather live on earth as if there will be a God than to live on earth as if there is not a God and die and find out there is a God. I still struggle because if our God was so good why does he allow such bad things to happen but, then I am told that is so you will come to him and learn to live by his ways. I guess I can sorta understand that.
     I am going to go back to my church starting tomorrow night and try this all again and see how far this can take me this time.