can not be strong anymore

      I appear on the outside to have it all togther. It always seemed so much easier to smile and pretend everything is ok instead of letting people worry about me. As very few of you know Life has slambed Dennis and I to the floor again. We have had so many blessings and I think that is why the devil is on double time work duty attacking my family and it is really working on me. I am having my panic attacks and I am deeply depressed. The stress of not haveing a job and Dennis unable to find a job has us at each other,and I am sad all the time. All I want to do anymore is do my college homework assignments,and crawl back into my bed and sleep and not have to face the word. No this is not good for me. We have gone through what little money we had saved now and I am really scared. Not knowing how I am going to feed my kids from day to day is a big stress. We are a little behind in the rent now and the landlord has started to shadow us with wanting it now. School starts next month Aug 22nd here and I have no idea how we will buy the kids school clothes and school supplies. I know you all think wow Amy is so strong she always has it togther. I know as VP of MCHAA (methodist childrens home alumni assocaition) I should not even admit this publicly like this.But, I need to get this off my shoulders. The pain is so deep and some days I want it to stop. I woke this morning and I did not want to be here anymore I knew that was my sign. I called Dennis right away and he went to tri county to get me some help. I have an appt. I know I will have to go back on medication something I do not want to do because then I have to admit to myself I am ill again and thats hard for me.However, I can not just give up. I have 4 wonderfull kids and a wonderful husband. I dont want to sleep my life away either.So, please dont judge me to harrashly. I am only human!! My god is an awesome god and I am calling out to him for help. please pray for me!!!