falling apart

I am so excited and upset all at the same time. Is it possible to have one of the best Christmas' ever and yet it be one of the worst also? Well I can honestly say this one has been both of those. This one is a great one we was able to get the boys gifts this year without asking for help to get them gifts or for a Christmas dinner we did it all on our own. I can not wait till the morning when they open there gifts and to see the smile on their face.
Why is it the worst you ask me? 4 days before Christmas my landlord Brad Dunster comes to tell us he has sold our home due to back taxes and we need to move in 30 days. The other is what happened today. On our way home there was a bad accident at our drive way so we decided to go ahead and drive on to Bubbas to get lottery tickets and something to drink. We never made it there on as a car coming at us somehow side swiped us with a deer between us. Destroyed the whole driver side smashed in the door, smashed the window and mirror. and crushed in the back gas panel area as well as totally knocked out the back tail lights. I am thank full it was not worse but, we are stuck with a vehicle that can not be repaired since the other driver took off and did not stop. I am devastated with everything that is going on. It seems that it is all falling apart and if we didn't have bad luck we wouldn't have any at all. I am praying that the lord will provide. I just dont understand why all this bad stuff is happening to us.

cant understand...

I am so confused about why it is that when you tell you children not to do something,they are going to make sure they are going to do just what you said not to. I am so angry right now. It is a constant battle with my son Dacoda. I know I did not raise him and he has only lived with me since the end of May but, I think if I was him I would want to do everything in my power to appreciate finally being home and out of that god for saken awful system in all those different facility's. He doesn't lift a finger to help around here until we get so darn mad we had over come with anger. We should not have to point out what needs to be done everyday. He should put more of an effort in wanting to be a part of this family but,no he does the opposite and I am just about at the end of my rope with him. He would rather tell a lie then tell the truth and this is constant. We are constantly having to bail him out like he recently did an FFA fundraiser. He was suppose to turn in the money and check that fri(a lie) so Dennis counts and looks at hos sheet all the money and checks is there when he is sent off however, instead of turning it in he keeps it all weekend and spends a night at a friend of his all weekend and we was unware of this till much later. Anyhow one of the church ladies Dacoda screwed comes up to us and says she never got her ham but her check cleared. He still swears it somehow got mixed up instead of admitting he spent someone elses money and guess who has to pay for it? Not Dacoda he has no job!!
So, today when they want to go out in the woods and shoot bb guns I tell them no stay by the back of the house. I go out to get in my car to go get Dennis and guess what they are blatantly out in the woods where I told them not to go. On my way back home my son Justin calls and tells me Dacoda shot Neely my almost 10 yr old mini Doxxie. Sure enough I see an entrance wound and you can feel the bb under her skin. I am lived about now and screaming yep he has pushed me over the edge my animals mean a lot to me. I am so upset at this point that he once again blatantly was not shooting that stupid bb gun in our designated area.
So, here it is 10oclock at night and Dacoda never ever once told me I am sorry mom. I know this is going to cost you a lot of money what can I do to help you pay for my mistake? No, the only thing I got from him was I didn't mean to. I do not know what I am more pissed about him shooting my dog?or him not giving a damn about what its gonna cost me?or him not telling me he is sorry!!
I know he really screwed up but I dont think its to much to ask for a reaction from him.RIGHT!
I still love him but I really do not like his actions.

perfect ppl....

I have been taking this bible study course every Wed night now at my church(Calvary Baptist.It is a study based on the movie Courageous. Its about being a parent and being there for our children and stepping up to the plate. It focus is manly on the father. They say "any man can father a child but it takes a man to be a dad". I totally agree with that however, though we have to share our own personal lives and experiences. Both last Wed and this Wed. I got extremely emotional in the class. It appears everyone had a wonderful father who taught then wonderful things. I did not speak up for fear of being judged for my horrible childhood and the men whom was suppose to be fathers to me where nothing but child molesters who hurt me over and over. This class brought back so many bad memories. I am not sure I want to sit in this class anymore and listen to all there happy lives and morn for the happy childhood that was robbed from me. I sat there in silence with tears in my eyes with no tissues in sight I hoped and prayed no one could see my pain.
I have so many questions about my faith.In class we was asked to share about when we was saved. This brought on another set of pain and tears. I know I was saved and baptist ed when i was young but, I have blocked out so much of my past life that I guess I have also blocked out the good times and I can not remember how,why, or where I was saved. How can I fix this? What if its just my imagination? What if I thought I have been saved but in all reality I actually never have been? I asked my husband this and he told me"you do not have to be saved in front of a church or a crowd of people, if you've asked god to forgive you and live within your heart you are saved". I cried for a long time so mixed up with my emotions and so afraid Ive never been saved. I want my story to be an awesome testimony one that everyone will want to listen to but, I guess I do not have this story. Is it possible to now reach this goal?

Time Heals All Mental Wounds...

I was sitting here staring at my computer trying to think of something to write about being bipolar… and I can’t. I’ve run out of stuff to say. And then I got an idea. As horrible as depression, anxiety, and mania can be, when you eventually cross over to the other side to the land of mental stability, you no longer can feel what it once felt like to be in that dark, lonely place. You may remember all of the details of what you went through, the places you went to, the people you hurt or hurt you, but you can’t taste the tears that once rolled down your cheek or feel your manic heart beating.




If you’re reading this post and you’re currrently experiencing depression, you’re either going to try and believe that you’ll get better one day—and not remember the hell you’re currently experiencing. Or you’re gonna say, “Yeah, right. You don’t live in my head. You’re not with me when it happens. I’m never gonna get better. Bruce, what the hell do you know?” All I know is where I am, what I went through, and the people and dog who got me here.



A mental state of mind is just like leaving a freezing city and going to the tropics. You have a great time, you relax, and when it’s time to come home, your mind smuggles a bit of the islands with you. But it doesn’t last. It fades. And you forget. You may remember laying out, baking in the sun, but you won’t be able to remember what it actually felt like shining down on your skin. Hey, I know what I’m saying is hard to believe, but it’s true. Just think of something bad or great that happened in your life, and test it for yourself—I still do. Especially when I have my bad days too.





Do you guys feel what I'm saying?

Published by Bruce Goldstein

bipolar

Hello brother, sister, husband and wife, son, daughter, partner and friend. I thought I would write you a story about being bipolar. A few words to explain. We have been diagnosed with an invisible disorder. It is something you cannot see, it is something that you cannot understand if you do not have it yourself. But we love you in the same way the we wish for you to love us back. So we hope that you will understand a little bit better.
We are often so lost. Sometime in our past a doctor told us that we have this thing, and this thing is called Bipolar Disorder. At first we did not know what it was. Then we read about it, our doctors told us more about it and we joined support groups. By now we know a lot about it, but is does not make it better.
Sometimes we get a depression that is so overwhelming that it feels as if someone laid a ton of bricks on our chests. We can’t breathe, we get severe anxiety. Sometimes we cannot face food, we cannot face anything but the wall. We sleep. Then, some of us drink, or take drugs, just to make the pain a little bit better.
Some of us take medication. Sometimes it works, sometimes it makes you feel that you want to die. Some medications give you nightmares, others make you sweat, others causes ticks and spasms in you face and hands. Some medications makes you nauseous, other takes away your desire for love. Some of us cannot afford medication and have to take what the stare gives us. Some of us had to go for ECT of brain shocks.
Sometimes we are manic and we do things that we later regret, but we do not have control over it. Sometimes we get so angry that it borders on rage. We then feel guilty for the anger, the shopping, the impulsive behavior.
Sometimes we feel so lost and sad. Sometimes we wish that we could just be ok, just function like every one else. But we cannot. We are the way we are and the only thing that sometimes makes it better is your support, your love and your care.

So this is to say thank you to all of you that deal with us every day. We know that we are not easy people to deal with . We know that we often hurt and make it difficult and for that we are sorry. But we want to tell you that we also love you and that would not be able to cope with this life if it was not for you and your wonderful love and care.

So to all of you. Thank you.