What I've learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.
I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my grandma, and I'm kinda happy about it.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if she believed it.
I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned that if you don't want to forget something, stick it in your underwear drawer.
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.
I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life.
I've learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control.
I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.
I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that although the word "love" can have
many different meaning, it loses value when overly used.
I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe. [Author unknown]

positive

     I love when I am able to have positive days like today was. I do regret not getting out of bed early and trying a new church like I said I would but, I do know that a church doesn't make you a christian. Still I want to be a better christian and strengthen my faith in God I know I need to be in a good biblical teaching church. I know I also need to change churches and walk out of my comfort zone in order to find a place I feel I belong.
     Today was Fathers day and even though we did not have the money to buy Dennis anything he enjoyed his dinner out with us much more we had mexican food at Rodeo this evening and we had a good time talking, laughing, and just spending time together thats the best present.
     Personally I never really had a father so Fathers day hasn't meant much to me. The closest thing I've had to a real father is Mr Ratliff. Oh how I gave him such a hard time I am sure it was never easy for him either but, I am so glad he was a part of my life and he still is in a small way.

Fathers day

     Once again Fathers day rolls around. I really hate fathers day! Well maybe I hate more that I have never had a father in my life who was not abusive and a POS child molester. I wish I had gotten a chance to know my real daddy. I was so upset at 18 to find my daddy just to find out he was already stone cold in the grave and his father my grandfather rejected me. What is it about family that is so lacking on my part? I keep thinking it has to be something about me. Oh boohoo right!!? No! Okay gonna stop feeling sorry for myself now.

will it ever get better....

     I had a wonderful weekend with my guys this past weekend we went to Galveston, drove down early on Saturday morning and spent the whole day at schlitterbahn playing in the water. Joshua spent some time with us but, Justin didn't spend any because he had Kurstyn there because her dad surprised her with the trip. Which was fine I just wish we had been more important to spend some time with, I think I missed out he will be 18 soon and who knows where his life is going to take him. I guess I am afraid of losing him like I did Brittany who wanted to get away so fast she went all the way to New York and I haven't seen her in over three years and Dacoda as soon as he turned 18 he was gone and now he lives near Houston. Sorta makes me sad. I think thats why my depression has been so bad I constantly think of things that should not be a major factor right now and I let it all take me down.
     I look at myself right now and I hate it what I see. I hate that we struggle so much...I hate that my worrying keeps me locked up....I hate that I have no friends...I have "friends" through facebook, but, in real life when I make a friend they leave...I hate myself right now...Am I a good person?? I look at myself in the mirror and I hate who I see...and I have no one to talk to...family is never there when I need them to get through these dark times...I have no friends to lean on...all I have is Dennis and my two boys :(

This is how I roll...

This is how I roll..............

     Well I thought the title sounded good anyhow. Not really sure just how I roll though. I take life as it is thrown at me and I worry about things in the future way too much..lol. As my husband tells me anyhow. I think he could be right about that though.

     I also wonder why I don't have any "real" friends? Why dont anyone like me? I mean seriously how can it be no one wants to hang out with me on a regular basis? The only person who seems to want to spend anytime with me besides Dennis of course is my newest friend Cathy and even then I wonder how long she will hang around before I seem to scare her off to. Am I just not meant to have people care about me? Do I look for to much in a friendship? Maybe thats it and when I am not treated as I treat others I am just way too disappointed and I find myself with drawing.

     So, on to a new subject...

     Justin and Joshua last day of the 2012-2013 year was today. I will not know what the report cards said until after they are mailed to us next week. What happened to getting them on your last day from school so you will know and see what you accomplished in a timely manner?Anyhow I hope my guys will advance and that will put Justin as a senior in High school and Joshua will be an 8th grader wow my babies have grown so much. Before Dennis and I know it we will be empty nesters ..lol...right! These two will never leave home. 

Changes...

     I stopped writing in here because I thought that my thoughts and feelings might be too personal for others to read but, I have decided no matter what people might think of me because I am expressing my thoughts in a blog for the world to read is all on them. I think maybe writing about how I feel or what's going on will just be who I am. Life hasn't been a bowl of cream and cherries for me.....so many ups and downs... and so many disappointments on how I thought life should of been for me. I don't want to look back and I want to stop worrying about what will be ahead of me. I know I am doing wishful thinking though.

     The last I wrote was about my husband and thank God he was able to recover and continue with a normal life. I know how it all could of went the other way. Dennis is such a good man and he does everything for his family, he wants to make sure we are happy and that he can provide as best as he can. I am so grateful for all that. However, I pray I am able to one day return the favor of taking such good care of us all when he is not. Thats what I plan to do with my degree. Even though I have a mental illness and depression is really bad when I am in my downs I sure hope I will be able to find a job and live a normal working life as best as I can.

     I took a bible study class for sexual molestation survivors and it brought up so many things I had thought I dealt with and stuck in my vault never to be thought of again. This class made me look at it all again and I started to retreat mentally again and fall into depression. The teachers are not psychologist just life experience teachers so when I started having issues with my PTSD again no one was able to help me. I got into a group therapy session for a while but, ended up getting removed from their program due to I missed to many sessions. I am sorry I am just not a morning person if they would have offered afternoon classes I would not of had any problems trying to attend. So, even though I was discharged from that I still have the doctor who I need to see he has me on prozac for now. I don't feel that it is working because a few days ago I had a severe down and would not get out of the bed for two days. Mentally I had a melt down. I couldn't stop feeling so sad and crying. I really wanted to just die. I new that is wrong thinking for me though how dare I have thoughts like that but, how dare all the people around me to say "snap out of it" Oh yes if it was just that easy! Right!!

     I also have lost the faith in humanity at my church. Every since the thing with D running her mouth telling C things we had said when we was in a mess/in a bad way and stupid me thinking I was talking to a friend not someone who would set out to hurt me. When the big blowout happened C said "you have never giving me a reason to like you but you have given my a few reasons to not like you. but it don't matter sometimes two ppl just don't match. bottom line is I won't associate with people who don't care about me. " 
That is where I started getting a sore taste in my mouth okay I never knew I had to "make" people like me. I didn't know this was something people make a competition. She is however right some people just don't match. This is a women I would not want in the after school programs teaching my children after all she is a huge hypocrite herself and really loves to smoke the good weed! Okay so let me get this straight she didn't care about me or like me but because she thinks I don't care about her I wont be associated with...well whoop TEE doo!!

This all happened six months ago see C grew up in our church which oh BTW I was told it is her church :) anyhow things with other members also has gotten weird it seems we have become the church's outcast and people who once was friendly and said hello seem to stare right through us and not say a word. I have been a member of my church 2 years now but, it dont look like its going to change or get any better. I am comfortable/set in my way and afraid to change or try something new but, I think it might be time to locate a new church for Dennis and I. I am not sure how the kids will be about it because all their friends are there.