disappointments...

     So, I haven't blogged in a while. I was hoping to have more to blog about and keep up with this thing called blogging but,so far it hasn't worked out that way.
     I started a new class at Walden this week I am studying Intro to sociology. I don't think I am liking this class so much and so far it has not been an easy class. I really don't like my instructor he/she has not been helpful what so ever when I don't understand something. I have meet some pretty cool classmates though who also live in Texas. 
     I had a birthday yesterday I turned 39 I look back and I think to myself wow where has the time flown too? I cant possibly be this old already. I want to be young again and have my children as babies. Speaking of babies my oldest Brittany will turn 20 years old tomorrow. I was going through her photo album seeing her so small and innocent breaks my heart and tears welled up in my eyes. I want to go back and savior the moments something I did not do when I was young I had no idea how time would fly.
     I was recently contacted by someone I said I would not allow back in my life. yet there I was stupid me eager and excited as a puppy jumping up and down with my tongue hanging out for her attention. I am so so stupid cause all it caused me was great disappointment. I should know things can and will never be as they once was between us. Maybe its best if I not continue to be on what she calls a talking basics. Why do I continue to do things that cause me pain and hurt? 

Today I Will Make a Difference

Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my
Thoughts. A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to
Be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that
Are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my
Circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as
Stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I will
Avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my
Companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will
Make a difference.
I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before
Me. Time is a precious commodity. I refuse to allow what
Little time I have to be contaminated by self-pity, anxiety,
Or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and
The courage of a giant. I will drink each minute as though
It is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone
Forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving.
Today I will make a difference.
I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life
Is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through
My trash heap of failures. I will admit them. I will correct
Them. I will press on. Victoriously. No failure is fatal.
It’s OK to stumble… . I will get up. It’s OK to fail… .
I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.
I will spend time with those I love. My spouse, my
Children, my family. A man can own the world but be
Poor for the lack of love. A man can own nothing and
Yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at
Least five minutes with the significant people in my
World. Five quality minutes of talking or hugging or
Thanking or listening. Five undiluted minutes with
My mate, children, and friends.
Today I will make a difference.

thoughts....

I had a bad day yesterday. I was tired of no feeling well and finally decided to just go to the Huntsville ER. I really do hate hospitals and the complete unfriendly treatment you get while you have to visit and ER. Its like there are treating robots and not a human. As usual I cam home with both arms blue and bruised because they could not find a vein. The lady who put my IV in did a pretty good job though she managed to get it in the first try but, in a very painful place in my left hand. So, after being there like 6 1/2 hours I was finally able to go home. I was told I need to watch my diet closer and be checked in two days by my doctor(which i don't have one). They said with my blood sugars so high I could of gone into a coma or death. I was dehydrated and was given two bags of fluid.and given shots for sickness and  i got insulin as well. I am feeling better today.

I attended church tonight we had fellowship and bible study. I know last week I wrote on not belonging and I really think in the back of my mind i was searching for a reason to leave my church. I was being selfish and just because I felt disconnected I was looking for the exit. Which I know wasn't right or fair for me to do. Tonight my god found a way for me to have my church family embrace me and show me that people really do care and I don't need to give up so easily.

had a concern...

     I am the first to say the last few days I have been an emotional wreck. Dennis said I just need to stop the med tri- county put me on because something isn't right. He thinks they misdiagnosis me but, hey he isn't a doctor and he said well the doctor who put me on this crap has seen me just once and I said I know I'm just getting on this crap and trying to stop this roller coaster I am on. I am also having complications with my diabetes for the last 4 days my BG has been in the 600's which isnt good. I have been so thirsty and the potty has seen a lot of me,major dry mouth. Looks like I may be on my way to the ER real soon to get insulin shots to help get my BG down some. I don't think the pills I take are enough but, since I do not have insurance they will not put me on insulin that I need which is stupid.

     I am having issues and I know my husband very well its others I don't trust. Its sad to say the first and only time we meet this women was at a bar called Mangos that my step son was playing at. This women is my step sons mother in law too. Tall fake blonde if you ask me even her boobs are bought. She was all over my husband that night and didn't seem to care his wife was just a few feet away. Well she recently added my husband on FB see now I wouldn't of had an issue with that if she had also added his wife which she did not so I turned around a few days later and added her to my page just to see what was up. So far she hasn't contacted my husband so I don't know why she just had to add him. Trust me he is head over hills in love with me his young almost 39 year old wife who yep is on the plump side but that's what he likes darlin..lol not tall ,skinny,fake, and bought. I have to say this isn't a good way to get on the good side of this family.

     I know I shouldn't be so insecure but seriously show me a person who isn't at times. Its just that we have enough going on without some outside force trying to play with our minds. Sometimes you see things coming at you and you just want to scream I am a child of God ...Devil get the behind me because I am not going to let you hurt or break my family. The devil does come in all forms you know.

Glamorous....

run....

Our family is the proverbial egg that we were hatched from. Everything about who we are, both our nature and nurture comes from our family. Often in western society, we stray far from our family and may not talk to them for years at a time. We may feel that we have nothing in common with them. We may choose to run away from our roots because they are too painful to face. Ultimately however, our past holds the key to our future. If we do not face where we come from, we will have difficulty understanding our present and future.

Everyday has been a battle for me. My bipolar has told me more then once I was better off dead. I fight that thought daily. I am still working with my meds when I can rember to take them though. I am so tired of being so sad and I keep asking myself when does this pain ever end?why does life have to be so hard?Not many know how I feel.. I never let you in or know this side of me. I am tired of hiding!! I even have to hide from me......

I do not understand why some get to have the perfect life. Then there are those like me who from the moment I was conceived from a one night stand"I was the mistake" and growing up with the distusting men who used a child for there sexual gratafication(sp).The dysfunctional family life of not having anyone to love and care for me as a mother and father should. Why even at almost 39 yrs old does all of this still haunt me? Why do I still search for belonging?and never find it?