thoughts....

I had a bad day yesterday. I was tired of no feeling well and finally decided to just go to the Huntsville ER. I really do hate hospitals and the complete unfriendly treatment you get while you have to visit and ER. Its like there are treating robots and not a human. As usual I cam home with both arms blue and bruised because they could not find a vein. The lady who put my IV in did a pretty good job though she managed to get it in the first try but, in a very painful place in my left hand. So, after being there like 6 1/2 hours I was finally able to go home. I was told I need to watch my diet closer and be checked in two days by my doctor(which i don't have one). They said with my blood sugars so high I could of gone into a coma or death. I was dehydrated and was given two bags of fluid.and given shots for sickness and  i got insulin as well. I am feeling better today.

I attended church tonight we had fellowship and bible study. I know last week I wrote on not belonging and I really think in the back of my mind i was searching for a reason to leave my church. I was being selfish and just because I felt disconnected I was looking for the exit. Which I know wasn't right or fair for me to do. Tonight my god found a way for me to have my church family embrace me and show me that people really do care and I don't need to give up so easily.

had a concern...

     I am the first to say the last few days I have been an emotional wreck. Dennis said I just need to stop the med tri- county put me on because something isn't right. He thinks they misdiagnosis me but, hey he isn't a doctor and he said well the doctor who put me on this crap has seen me just once and I said I know I'm just getting on this crap and trying to stop this roller coaster I am on. I am also having complications with my diabetes for the last 4 days my BG has been in the 600's which isnt good. I have been so thirsty and the potty has seen a lot of me,major dry mouth. Looks like I may be on my way to the ER real soon to get insulin shots to help get my BG down some. I don't think the pills I take are enough but, since I do not have insurance they will not put me on insulin that I need which is stupid.

     I am having issues and I know my husband very well its others I don't trust. Its sad to say the first and only time we meet this women was at a bar called Mangos that my step son was playing at. This women is my step sons mother in law too. Tall fake blonde if you ask me even her boobs are bought. She was all over my husband that night and didn't seem to care his wife was just a few feet away. Well she recently added my husband on FB see now I wouldn't of had an issue with that if she had also added his wife which she did not so I turned around a few days later and added her to my page just to see what was up. So far she hasn't contacted my husband so I don't know why she just had to add him. Trust me he is head over hills in love with me his young almost 39 year old wife who yep is on the plump side but that's what he likes darlin..lol not tall ,skinny,fake, and bought. I have to say this isn't a good way to get on the good side of this family.

     I know I shouldn't be so insecure but seriously show me a person who isn't at times. Its just that we have enough going on without some outside force trying to play with our minds. Sometimes you see things coming at you and you just want to scream I am a child of God ...Devil get the behind me because I am not going to let you hurt or break my family. The devil does come in all forms you know.

Glamorous....

run....

Our family is the proverbial egg that we were hatched from. Everything about who we are, both our nature and nurture comes from our family. Often in western society, we stray far from our family and may not talk to them for years at a time. We may feel that we have nothing in common with them. We may choose to run away from our roots because they are too painful to face. Ultimately however, our past holds the key to our future. If we do not face where we come from, we will have difficulty understanding our present and future.

Everyday has been a battle for me. My bipolar has told me more then once I was better off dead. I fight that thought daily. I am still working with my meds when I can rember to take them though. I am so tired of being so sad and I keep asking myself when does this pain ever end?why does life have to be so hard?Not many know how I feel.. I never let you in or know this side of me. I am tired of hiding!! I even have to hide from me......

I do not understand why some get to have the perfect life. Then there are those like me who from the moment I was conceived from a one night stand"I was the mistake" and growing up with the distusting men who used a child for there sexual gratafication(sp).The dysfunctional family life of not having anyone to love and care for me as a mother and father should. Why even at almost 39 yrs old does all of this still haunt me? Why do I still search for belonging?and never find it?

survived this hump day

I survived this Wed. Its almost midnight and then this day will be over with. Today is my little sister Tabitha's birthday and I found out from her mom that she is spending it in jail. I want her to have a good life and I want her to get away from the drugs. I have offered her a way to get a new life and a new start but, she says she will and then has her excuses. I think jail might be the best place for her no matter how much I love her then in Oct. I hope the judge gets her to a rehab where she can get the help she needs. I know her children need her and I know she needs to straighten up her life.


We went to church this evening Calvary Baptist is a good church but, I could not help but wonder as Dennis and I sat at a table together yet alone where do I fit in?Everyone has there own little clicks. Sure they are friendly to us while at church but no one really embraces us. I know it is wrong of me but, I know I never really fit in anywhere. I want to have that family feeling so bad. Is it bad to want someone to accept and love me and have me a part of theirs lives as I want them in mine? I know God love is unconditional but I find good christian people still judging. Maybe its because we aren't wearing the nicest clothes, we are broke?Heck I don't know but, I find it hurts me.


I got this sent to me in a group I am in today and wanted to share it on here also.Makes me think even more. I thought I had found a place I belonged but, I don't know anymore.


Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for YOU, declares the LORD.""Never give the devil a ride; he will want to take over the driving." Dear Woman of God, Be still for a while and praise God for His favor, His grace and His awesomeness. God is able to do the impossible and is always near. He loves us unconditionally. Together, let's get 1000 ladies to praise Him with one voice in this next hour. Please forward this to every woman you want God to bless. Let's all say this prayer during this hour: Dear God, This is my friend whom I love and this is my prayer for her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations.. Help her to shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs You the most, and let her know when she walks with You, she will always be safe. Amen! Now you're on the clock . . .Tell nine sisters you love them, including me. Get going girl!!Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet.

invisible

Hmmm good to know I am not invisible but, I can tell I am not high on your friends list. As normal she comments her and chats her while my messages and I get ignored.Do I need to shout and cry every time to be noticed? I am so sick of always coming to be second. I don't treat people as they treat me I think if I did I wouldn't have anyone talking to me. Maybe I need to just stop commenting or trying to chat them up then maybe just maybe I would be missed?Nah, I think your right I wouldn't even be missed!!So why bother right!!I think I am done with trying!!Going back to sitting in my corner where I am loved and adored by all....oh no wait thats just the reflection of me....All alone :(

We are all visitors to this time, this place.

We are merely passing through.

Our purpose here is to observe, to learn,

to grow and most importantly to LOVE...

and them we return home.

Friend should be Radical;

They should love you when you're unlovable,

Hug you when you're unhuggable,

And bear you when you're unbearable.

A Friend should be Fanatical;

They should cheer when the whole world boos,

Dance when you get good news,

And cry when you cry too.

But most of all, a Friend should be Mathematical,

They should multiply the joy, Divide the sorrow,

Subtract the past, And add to tomorrow,

Calculate the need deep in your heart,

And always be bigger than the sum of all their parts.

Vessel of Mercy

Lord make me a channel of your peace When I am depressed show me compassion and do it with ease. Let me see that there is more in life then just me Fill me to the brim and only mercy let me see. Open me up and let my light shine For other peoples problems are greater then mine. Take away that stubborn nature that ties me down Lift me up and plant my feet on solid ground. I wan to be all that you want me to be My service is your desire Give me angel wings and let me fly a little higher. Make me a vessel of mercy Father, make me a vessel that's true Fill me love and compassion and fashion my heart to a vessel worthy of you. Unknown Author I'm going through a dry time,Lord; I feel no joy inside. It seems that You are far away and not here by my side. I know I have to trust you, Lord, but sometimes I feel so weak. I feel my prayers have floundered...Lord, I need to hear You speak. Love, Your Child