Thanksgiving.....

Amazing Thanksgiving this year with all of my family home.

Ready for coast

I just finish up doing all my college assignment so I won't have to worry about doing it this weekend. I will be in Surfside, Texas on the beach in a wonderful beach house. It's women retreat time again. Hopefully this year will be a better year for me then the last two I attended. Can't wait! 

Life changing....

     October 7, 2013 is a date that has forever changed my life!! That is the day that I posted on a people seeking people website and I found my sisters Ashlee and Mandi and my brother Sam on my biological fathers side. I am so excited to get to know them! This has been a missing piece from my life for so long I have searched for them since I was 18 and now here they are in my life and it just started with one post. This new exciting chapter in my life is so wonderful. They have accepted me with open arms and we message and text daily. I am so excited to have them in my life. My brother Sam is in Odessa and I will see him soon but my sisters live in Utah. I guess I will be making that trip though because I really want to see them.

Thats my daddy

Thats my sister Mandi in the hat

Thats my brother Sam

My beautiful sister Ashlee

both my sisters Ashlee and Mandi

My life is complete I now have from my dads side 4 sisters and two brothers!!

Daddy we are all togther now and we know your in heaven smiling down out our reunion.

stress...

     Another week down and more stress added to it. The girl who is staying with us well her mom and I got into it and when I let her in on a secret that she can not claim benefits for a child that is not in their home they decided they wanted to pick her up asap and have her back home. So, we called police to see what we could do to prevent such a thing. Her parents have been abusive to her and her siblings. We had to call CPS and make a report. They have talked to her at school and I am expecting them to come to our house this week. I do not know what is going to happen. Her family showed up at my sons job yesterday just as he was getting off my husband went to pick him up from work and she was with him so her mom proceed to tell her lies like CPS can just take her from our home and return her home. Which I know is not true. I know I asked for all this stress when I decided to open my home and try to help. I pray whatever it is that will happen will be what is best for her and if she is taken away Justin will be hurt and I will have a new issue to deal with since it is his gf.

closure....

     
     I just don't understand why R did what she did. I still don't understand any of it! I just know I am hurt and would like some closure. How hard is it to email back and tell me why you are not my friend anymore for the 10th time! I know this time was different I wouldn't allow you back in my circle to hurt me again but, I guess in a tiny way I did some because you hurt me, WHY? What did I do? Why didn't you ask me what was going on in my life and be there for me?Instead you walked away without a word. You are a coward! Why did u bother to come back into my life only to walk away again so easily and again no closure...you are such an evil , cold hearted being. This is all the closure I get so here it is I will never ever allow you back in no matter what after 10 times maybe less but, even 2 times is to many now. I am done. I hope you get all you deserve.

41 and aint gonna get older ...

     It has been an eventful week starting with Monday when my sons gf's mother calls to ask if I am home because she is done with trying with her 17 year old daughter and she says she wants to come stay with us. I think if I had not already knew about the abuse this girl was going through at home and just how controlling her parents were who try to lock there children up as if they are caged animals my answer might have been different from what it was but, instead I said yes I am home bring her to me. We have moved both my boys into one bedroom while giving A the other room. So, far I guess I have taken on another mouth to feed and a new responsibility as her parents have not offered a dime. Dennis and I have stepped out in a big way and hoping that the lines are not crossed and we are not disappointed. I know I taught my son right but, I didn't raise A.
     Yesterday started my birthday off as Dennis and I headed to the Woodlands he took me out to eat endless shrimp at Red Lobster and what a wonderful yummy meal that was. Then we went to the Depeche Mode concert and it was awesome. reminiscing my young years with a band I listened to in the late 80s dancing having a good time with my husband. One of my best friends Jenny made my birthday cake for me this year and she did and awesome job on it including the zebra theme with my favorite color. I ordered out with pizza, and we grabbed a few movies finally watched " World War Z " wow now that is kinda scary but, it was good. I had cake and ice cream surrounded by all those I love the most.

death..

     Here it is 4 am and I am wide awake. I cant sleep again and I have nothing better to do but, sit her on my laptop and browse pages. I was on my sons page when another classmates post drew my attention. One of my sons classmates took his life last week. What makes a high school senior not want to live anymore on further investigation this boys page was public and I read several post even up to what I assume was the time he took his life he even left a note to his family on FB. As I strolled through it tears falling from my face.
     I almost feel guilty because I know what it is like to be in that kind of pain. I know what it is like to feel that you just cant carry on with life no more. This brought up all that pain again and I felt guilty because I read all the words of those he left behind and he was loved but just couldn't feel the love. I know what that is like also. I know I wanted so many times to give up heck Ive attempted it several times but, I am still here. This boy had a life a head of him he wanted to be a marine. Just got me to thinking and makes me so sad. I could not imagine losing my children to something like that.
    My mind is going a thousand miles an hour. Stuff like this almost has a scared effect on me because I get so depressed sometimes. I hope I am always strong enough to carry on.
     I know I never look sick but, mental illness is real I know I live with it everyday its a struggle on a daily basics. Some days are better then others thats for sure.

lessons....

Life lessons aren't always easy but, I continue to thank God for my lessons and whether good or bad I know I am taught them for a reason so I am embracing the bad with the good.

His will be done....

week....

     Well this week hasn't been the best week. While driving into Houston to take Joshua to the GI specialist on Tuesday my cars AC went out.Turns out the Freon leaked out and I need to get the compressor fixed. Which is not going to be cheap for the parts we need. Dr Thornhill said that good news test showed he does not have crohns and whatever caused his stay in the Childrens hospital and his swollen intestines was most likely just viral. They do however have a concern it is he has a fatty liver which could cause surosis(sp) of the liver. 
     So then the week continues and I am really bad sick by Wednesday coughing, sneezing,running fever but hey its Friday and I am starting to feel a little better now. On Thursday Dennis brought the company truck home his slave cylinder went out on his truck. Good news though he has good friends who found him a used part really cheap and will be putting on the truck for him at their shop for free. He has the company truck all weekend though.
     Here is hoping for a better weekend :) 

makes me kinda sad

     Its a bit ironic that supposedly a "friend" blocks me on FB again and I have not done anything to this person. I can only assume that maybe they thought my post were towards them! However, if she would have stopped and bothered to be a real friend to me which btw she really hasn't been a friend in a while and in no way will things ever be like they once was between us. For sure she has not been what I consider a BEST FRIEND due to the fact that she really isn't there like my best friends are they stick with me no matter what they love me unconditionally even when its hard to because heck I know I don't make it easy.
     Okay so I been going through some stuff lately which in no way has to do with her. Its my page right?! Last I checked I am still me and I still post stuff that goes with my emotions most times. Do I share what I am going through? No its not anyone's business but mine. Did she bother to ask me what was going on or am I okay? I thought that is what friends do but, I guess not. Shame on me. Fooled me once to many times.

Oh this was my very last post and I bet she didn't even see this one,

     I am where I am today because of the bridges that I've crossed. The bridges I've burned and because I've had the wisdom to know which bridges to repair. Good night my family and friends. I dont know how I do without my Rocks you know who you are.  each and every person on this list in one way or another your here because you mean something to me and you each bring something to my life. I hope you all know how special you are. Good night may tomorrow bring brighter day!

     Oh here I am blogging again. I know I only seem to blog when I am down but, hey what can I say that seems to be when I do my best self talking.
     I have dreams so big and don't think I will ever be able to accomplish just half of what I hope to. Sure ive started late in life ive made lots of mistakes and I was punished. Do I still have to be punished? I am not that person anymore. I have  a kind loving heart and all I want to do is give and help others.
     I want to photograph people and give them memory's to keep forever.
     Why cant I get a chance why wont anyone take a chance on me?

     
     I suppose I am overdue for an update. According to my last post I was putting all my fears aside and I was going to go back to my church. Well guess what? I DID NOT! My fears won and I just could not make myself go to church. I just do not feel I belong there. I feel like I am an outcast and I do not think that this is a place I should be feeling like a stranger at. I just don't understand why no one in my church has reached out to me no calls no emails not even from the pastor asking if we was okay or why we haven't been to church or hey do we need to pray about something for y'all.NOTHING! I have made up my mind I need to find a new church somewhere I am embraced instead of outcasted. Not sure when I will put my best foot forward and proceed with this because of my anxiety and new places but, I know I need to and I guess that is the first step.
     The last few days depression has really had me down. My brain has been working over time and I just want to scream "shut up already". I had feeling like this. I just want to be normal and I hate that I never will be.
     I just want to be loved and accepted! Is that so hard. Even friends I had once close aren't even really friends anymore  WTF cant I have a real best friend. Am I not meant to have that in my life? I guess not. So, hey there is your up date. I hate me at this point.

maybe I am afraid of change ....

     So, here I am once again thinking that I am way to much of a chicken to try something new. I really felt that I need to find a new church because my church seems to be getting worse and worse in the not so friendly department and yeah maybe that could be my fault because I am not an outgoing person but, I do want to feel that I belong just like anyone else does. Even though I have some problems with just a few of the members who have grown up in my church it is just that, no more their church then it is my church and we should all consider we are all there for one purpose and that is to hear the good word of the Lord. 
     I have started feeling better even though I am still having high glucose readings and my faith in mankind is gone but, I have noticed I backed away from God and my faith in him has been extremely small and I need to find a way to have a better walk with him. I would rather live on earth as if there will be a God than to live on earth as if there is not a God and die and find out there is a God. I still struggle because if our God was so good why does he allow such bad things to happen but, then I am told that is so you will come to him and learn to live by his ways. I guess I can sorta understand that.
     I am going to go back to my church starting tomorrow night and try this all again and see how far this can take me this time. 

Family Vacation....

     I am happy to say that sometimes a good vacation and get a way does a person more good than they would ever think it would. We left on July 4th, 2013 to find an adventure and with no set plans but, to just go and play it all by ear. We had planned to watch the fireworks in New Orleans but after seeing how many people there was in that city we decided to just drive on down the coast. As we sat in a truck stop diner eating a very late supper we seen some fireworks shooting off but, as we drove down the coast we seen more. My husband drove forever then finally decided to stop our first night out I am not sure just what town it was but, I think we was on the coast in Alabama somewhere. It was a studio 6 and had a stove and full fridge and all and the price wasn't too bad either. The next morning we got up and headed on out down the coast some more we ended up at Motel 6 in Destin, Florida and let me tell you we was extremely unhappy with that motel it seriously sucked with no towels and filth and no ice but, the first supper out with the boys and my first ever po-boy shrimp sandwich was good and the best punch drink ever with 4 types of rum was good but, I ended up really sick later that night with heartburn so bad I thought I was dieing. Wait let me back up a bit before we came into Destin we went to through a cool tunnel that takes us under water and we went to a really cool military museum that had Dennis B52 and USS alabama ship and a submarine to tour on as well. We ended back at Pensacola, Florida and spent 3 or 4 days there stayed at the Howard Johnson which btw if you're on a small budget wasn't to bad price wise but lacked a lot to be desired. We had to change rooms twice once because no wifi in the second building and the other because we came back and the AC was off and wouldn't come back on. It had a pool that the boys was happy about using. We spent a lot of time on the beach. We rode out in the bay in a huge boat and did a dolphin tour, ate at Hooters on the island, and visited Ft Pickens. Dennis and the boys also went to the aviation naval museum but i just wanted to sleep :) . Later in the week we went up to Tallapoosa Georgia to spend time with Rebbeca and Elizabeth and Bryanna. We ended up staying at the Microtel Inn & Suites the best hotel ever! The first night we swam at the hotel pool. The next day we went skating and the third Rebbeca BBQ at her house. I also did a photo shoot with the girls. Nikki and Neely, and Kristiann came over Saturday morning and we visited with them a short time before we hit the road about 1pm and we spent about 12-14 hours in the car on the drive all the way straight through to home. I was so miserable by the time we got back my feet was so swollen and I have a UTI very uncomfortable was just ready to be home and out of the car.

What I've learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.
I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my grandma, and I'm kinda happy about it.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if she believed it.
I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned that if you don't want to forget something, stick it in your underwear drawer.
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.
I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life.
I've learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control.
I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.
I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that although the word "love" can have
many different meaning, it loses value when overly used.
I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe. [Author unknown]

positive

     I love when I am able to have positive days like today was. I do regret not getting out of bed early and trying a new church like I said I would but, I do know that a church doesn't make you a christian. Still I want to be a better christian and strengthen my faith in God I know I need to be in a good biblical teaching church. I know I also need to change churches and walk out of my comfort zone in order to find a place I feel I belong.
     Today was Fathers day and even though we did not have the money to buy Dennis anything he enjoyed his dinner out with us much more we had mexican food at Rodeo this evening and we had a good time talking, laughing, and just spending time together thats the best present.
     Personally I never really had a father so Fathers day hasn't meant much to me. The closest thing I've had to a real father is Mr Ratliff. Oh how I gave him such a hard time I am sure it was never easy for him either but, I am so glad he was a part of my life and he still is in a small way.

Fathers day

     Once again Fathers day rolls around. I really hate fathers day! Well maybe I hate more that I have never had a father in my life who was not abusive and a POS child molester. I wish I had gotten a chance to know my real daddy. I was so upset at 18 to find my daddy just to find out he was already stone cold in the grave and his father my grandfather rejected me. What is it about family that is so lacking on my part? I keep thinking it has to be something about me. Oh boohoo right!!? No! Okay gonna stop feeling sorry for myself now.

will it ever get better....

     I had a wonderful weekend with my guys this past weekend we went to Galveston, drove down early on Saturday morning and spent the whole day at schlitterbahn playing in the water. Joshua spent some time with us but, Justin didn't spend any because he had Kurstyn there because her dad surprised her with the trip. Which was fine I just wish we had been more important to spend some time with, I think I missed out he will be 18 soon and who knows where his life is going to take him. I guess I am afraid of losing him like I did Brittany who wanted to get away so fast she went all the way to New York and I haven't seen her in over three years and Dacoda as soon as he turned 18 he was gone and now he lives near Houston. Sorta makes me sad. I think thats why my depression has been so bad I constantly think of things that should not be a major factor right now and I let it all take me down.
     I look at myself right now and I hate it what I see. I hate that we struggle so much...I hate that my worrying keeps me locked up....I hate that I have no friends...I have "friends" through facebook, but, in real life when I make a friend they leave...I hate myself right now...Am I a good person?? I look at myself in the mirror and I hate who I see...and I have no one to talk to...family is never there when I need them to get through these dark times...I have no friends to lean on...all I have is Dennis and my two boys :(

This is how I roll...

This is how I roll..............

     Well I thought the title sounded good anyhow. Not really sure just how I roll though. I take life as it is thrown at me and I worry about things in the future way too much..lol. As my husband tells me anyhow. I think he could be right about that though.

     I also wonder why I don't have any "real" friends? Why dont anyone like me? I mean seriously how can it be no one wants to hang out with me on a regular basis? The only person who seems to want to spend anytime with me besides Dennis of course is my newest friend Cathy and even then I wonder how long she will hang around before I seem to scare her off to. Am I just not meant to have people care about me? Do I look for to much in a friendship? Maybe thats it and when I am not treated as I treat others I am just way too disappointed and I find myself with drawing.

     So, on to a new subject...

     Justin and Joshua last day of the 2012-2013 year was today. I will not know what the report cards said until after they are mailed to us next week. What happened to getting them on your last day from school so you will know and see what you accomplished in a timely manner?Anyhow I hope my guys will advance and that will put Justin as a senior in High school and Joshua will be an 8th grader wow my babies have grown so much. Before Dennis and I know it we will be empty nesters ..lol...right! These two will never leave home. 

Changes...

     I stopped writing in here because I thought that my thoughts and feelings might be too personal for others to read but, I have decided no matter what people might think of me because I am expressing my thoughts in a blog for the world to read is all on them. I think maybe writing about how I feel or what's going on will just be who I am. Life hasn't been a bowl of cream and cherries for me.....so many ups and downs... and so many disappointments on how I thought life should of been for me. I don't want to look back and I want to stop worrying about what will be ahead of me. I know I am doing wishful thinking though.

     The last I wrote was about my husband and thank God he was able to recover and continue with a normal life. I know how it all could of went the other way. Dennis is such a good man and he does everything for his family, he wants to make sure we are happy and that he can provide as best as he can. I am so grateful for all that. However, I pray I am able to one day return the favor of taking such good care of us all when he is not. Thats what I plan to do with my degree. Even though I have a mental illness and depression is really bad when I am in my downs I sure hope I will be able to find a job and live a normal working life as best as I can.

     I took a bible study class for sexual molestation survivors and it brought up so many things I had thought I dealt with and stuck in my vault never to be thought of again. This class made me look at it all again and I started to retreat mentally again and fall into depression. The teachers are not psychologist just life experience teachers so when I started having issues with my PTSD again no one was able to help me. I got into a group therapy session for a while but, ended up getting removed from their program due to I missed to many sessions. I am sorry I am just not a morning person if they would have offered afternoon classes I would not of had any problems trying to attend. So, even though I was discharged from that I still have the doctor who I need to see he has me on prozac for now. I don't feel that it is working because a few days ago I had a severe down and would not get out of the bed for two days. Mentally I had a melt down. I couldn't stop feeling so sad and crying. I really wanted to just die. I new that is wrong thinking for me though how dare I have thoughts like that but, how dare all the people around me to say "snap out of it" Oh yes if it was just that easy! Right!!

     I also have lost the faith in humanity at my church. Every since the thing with D running her mouth telling C things we had said when we was in a mess/in a bad way and stupid me thinking I was talking to a friend not someone who would set out to hurt me. When the big blowout happened C said "you have never giving me a reason to like you but you have given my a few reasons to not like you. but it don't matter sometimes two ppl just don't match. bottom line is I won't associate with people who don't care about me. " 
That is where I started getting a sore taste in my mouth okay I never knew I had to "make" people like me. I didn't know this was something people make a competition. She is however right some people just don't match. This is a women I would not want in the after school programs teaching my children after all she is a huge hypocrite herself and really loves to smoke the good weed! Okay so let me get this straight she didn't care about me or like me but because she thinks I don't care about her I wont be associated with...well whoop TEE doo!!

This all happened six months ago see C grew up in our church which oh BTW I was told it is her church :) anyhow things with other members also has gotten weird it seems we have become the church's outcast and people who once was friendly and said hello seem to stare right through us and not say a word. I have been a member of my church 2 years now but, it dont look like its going to change or get any better. I am comfortable/set in my way and afraid to change or try something new but, I think it might be time to locate a new church for Dennis and I. I am not sure how the kids will be about it because all their friends are there.

     It is amazing how much life can change in a blink of an eye. Last year before Thanksgiving Dennis having a minor heart attack really scared the hell out of me. I was so scared of losing him and it left me to wondering how would I make it and raise the kids with out him? I remember seeing him laying there clucking his chest and me screaming out him with tears in my eyes " don't you fuckin leave me!!" From that event it sent a course for several events to do nothing but create heart attack and pain. People I tried to help and thought was friends turned out to be nothing but alcoholic, lying, whores. Because of some scentless things said about some people, well I had one or two people turned against me in my church. Even though what was supposedly said of me was not true at all. My adopted mom once again had another surgery I was not allowed to know of while yet again my sister Brandy knew it all and was able to be there while I was not. Who is she to keep me out? I do not want to hate but, events and actions of others make me so angry and all I want to do is hate. I keep forgiving but, this just keeps building up and I don't know how much more I can take of the crappy way I keep getting treated. Why cant I have good people in my life? Why cant I have real friends or family that actually give a rats ass about me for once?
     The New Year has started and so far it has been a wonderful changing journey. Dennis has a new job with the YMCA he is a maintenance supervisor and we will have lots of benefits and health insurance this is something we have needed in a long time and we are both so happy and excited for this new change. I am in my senior year with Walden U. I am excited to be on the last stretch of my educational journey.