falling apart

I am so excited and upset all at the same time. Is it possible to have one of the best Christmas' ever and yet it be one of the worst also? Well I can honestly say this one has been both of those. This one is a great one we was able to get the boys gifts this year without asking for help to get them gifts or for a Christmas dinner we did it all on our own. I can not wait till the morning when they open there gifts and to see the smile on their face.
Why is it the worst you ask me? 4 days before Christmas my landlord Brad Dunster comes to tell us he has sold our home due to back taxes and we need to move in 30 days. The other is what happened today. On our way home there was a bad accident at our drive way so we decided to go ahead and drive on to Bubbas to get lottery tickets and something to drink. We never made it there on as a car coming at us somehow side swiped us with a deer between us. Destroyed the whole driver side smashed in the door, smashed the window and mirror. and crushed in the back gas panel area as well as totally knocked out the back tail lights. I am thank full it was not worse but, we are stuck with a vehicle that can not be repaired since the other driver took off and did not stop. I am devastated with everything that is going on. It seems that it is all falling apart and if we didn't have bad luck we wouldn't have any at all. I am praying that the lord will provide. I just dont understand why all this bad stuff is happening to us.

cant understand...

I am so confused about why it is that when you tell you children not to do something,they are going to make sure they are going to do just what you said not to. I am so angry right now. It is a constant battle with my son Dacoda. I know I did not raise him and he has only lived with me since the end of May but, I think if I was him I would want to do everything in my power to appreciate finally being home and out of that god for saken awful system in all those different facility's. He doesn't lift a finger to help around here until we get so darn mad we had over come with anger. We should not have to point out what needs to be done everyday. He should put more of an effort in wanting to be a part of this family but,no he does the opposite and I am just about at the end of my rope with him. He would rather tell a lie then tell the truth and this is constant. We are constantly having to bail him out like he recently did an FFA fundraiser. He was suppose to turn in the money and check that fri(a lie) so Dennis counts and looks at hos sheet all the money and checks is there when he is sent off however, instead of turning it in he keeps it all weekend and spends a night at a friend of his all weekend and we was unware of this till much later. Anyhow one of the church ladies Dacoda screwed comes up to us and says she never got her ham but her check cleared. He still swears it somehow got mixed up instead of admitting he spent someone elses money and guess who has to pay for it? Not Dacoda he has no job!!
So, today when they want to go out in the woods and shoot bb guns I tell them no stay by the back of the house. I go out to get in my car to go get Dennis and guess what they are blatantly out in the woods where I told them not to go. On my way back home my son Justin calls and tells me Dacoda shot Neely my almost 10 yr old mini Doxxie. Sure enough I see an entrance wound and you can feel the bb under her skin. I am lived about now and screaming yep he has pushed me over the edge my animals mean a lot to me. I am so upset at this point that he once again blatantly was not shooting that stupid bb gun in our designated area.
So, here it is 10oclock at night and Dacoda never ever once told me I am sorry mom. I know this is going to cost you a lot of money what can I do to help you pay for my mistake? No, the only thing I got from him was I didn't mean to. I do not know what I am more pissed about him shooting my dog?or him not giving a damn about what its gonna cost me?or him not telling me he is sorry!!
I know he really screwed up but I dont think its to much to ask for a reaction from him.RIGHT!
I still love him but I really do not like his actions.

perfect ppl....

I have been taking this bible study course every Wed night now at my church(Calvary Baptist.It is a study based on the movie Courageous. Its about being a parent and being there for our children and stepping up to the plate. It focus is manly on the father. They say "any man can father a child but it takes a man to be a dad". I totally agree with that however, though we have to share our own personal lives and experiences. Both last Wed and this Wed. I got extremely emotional in the class. It appears everyone had a wonderful father who taught then wonderful things. I did not speak up for fear of being judged for my horrible childhood and the men whom was suppose to be fathers to me where nothing but child molesters who hurt me over and over. This class brought back so many bad memories. I am not sure I want to sit in this class anymore and listen to all there happy lives and morn for the happy childhood that was robbed from me. I sat there in silence with tears in my eyes with no tissues in sight I hoped and prayed no one could see my pain.
I have so many questions about my faith.In class we was asked to share about when we was saved. This brought on another set of pain and tears. I know I was saved and baptist ed when i was young but, I have blocked out so much of my past life that I guess I have also blocked out the good times and I can not remember how,why, or where I was saved. How can I fix this? What if its just my imagination? What if I thought I have been saved but in all reality I actually never have been? I asked my husband this and he told me"you do not have to be saved in front of a church or a crowd of people, if you've asked god to forgive you and live within your heart you are saved". I cried for a long time so mixed up with my emotions and so afraid Ive never been saved. I want my story to be an awesome testimony one that everyone will want to listen to but, I guess I do not have this story. Is it possible to now reach this goal?

Time Heals All Mental Wounds...

I was sitting here staring at my computer trying to think of something to write about being bipolar… and I can’t. I’ve run out of stuff to say. And then I got an idea. As horrible as depression, anxiety, and mania can be, when you eventually cross over to the other side to the land of mental stability, you no longer can feel what it once felt like to be in that dark, lonely place. You may remember all of the details of what you went through, the places you went to, the people you hurt or hurt you, but you can’t taste the tears that once rolled down your cheek or feel your manic heart beating.




If you’re reading this post and you’re currrently experiencing depression, you’re either going to try and believe that you’ll get better one day—and not remember the hell you’re currently experiencing. Or you’re gonna say, “Yeah, right. You don’t live in my head. You’re not with me when it happens. I’m never gonna get better. Bruce, what the hell do you know?” All I know is where I am, what I went through, and the people and dog who got me here.



A mental state of mind is just like leaving a freezing city and going to the tropics. You have a great time, you relax, and when it’s time to come home, your mind smuggles a bit of the islands with you. But it doesn’t last. It fades. And you forget. You may remember laying out, baking in the sun, but you won’t be able to remember what it actually felt like shining down on your skin. Hey, I know what I’m saying is hard to believe, but it’s true. Just think of something bad or great that happened in your life, and test it for yourself—I still do. Especially when I have my bad days too.





Do you guys feel what I'm saying?

Published by Bruce Goldstein

bipolar

Hello brother, sister, husband and wife, son, daughter, partner and friend. I thought I would write you a story about being bipolar. A few words to explain. We have been diagnosed with an invisible disorder. It is something you cannot see, it is something that you cannot understand if you do not have it yourself. But we love you in the same way the we wish for you to love us back. So we hope that you will understand a little bit better.
We are often so lost. Sometime in our past a doctor told us that we have this thing, and this thing is called Bipolar Disorder. At first we did not know what it was. Then we read about it, our doctors told us more about it and we joined support groups. By now we know a lot about it, but is does not make it better.
Sometimes we get a depression that is so overwhelming that it feels as if someone laid a ton of bricks on our chests. We can’t breathe, we get severe anxiety. Sometimes we cannot face food, we cannot face anything but the wall. We sleep. Then, some of us drink, or take drugs, just to make the pain a little bit better.
Some of us take medication. Sometimes it works, sometimes it makes you feel that you want to die. Some medications give you nightmares, others make you sweat, others causes ticks and spasms in you face and hands. Some medications makes you nauseous, other takes away your desire for love. Some of us cannot afford medication and have to take what the stare gives us. Some of us had to go for ECT of brain shocks.
Sometimes we are manic and we do things that we later regret, but we do not have control over it. Sometimes we get so angry that it borders on rage. We then feel guilty for the anger, the shopping, the impulsive behavior.
Sometimes we feel so lost and sad. Sometimes we wish that we could just be ok, just function like every one else. But we cannot. We are the way we are and the only thing that sometimes makes it better is your support, your love and your care.

So this is to say thank you to all of you that deal with us every day. We know that we are not easy people to deal with . We know that we often hurt and make it difficult and for that we are sorry. But we want to tell you that we also love you and that would not be able to cope with this life if it was not for you and your wonderful love and care.

So to all of you. Thank you.

Fall fun 2011

Another free digital scrapbook by Smilebox

trying to walk worthy...

     I want to tell you all about the wonderful time I spent with some of the ladies from my church Oct. 13-16. We had an awesome retreat. We drove down Thursday had lunch at Ryan's in Lake Jackson then we headed over to Walmart where 4 groups was given list of grocery's to get for the weekend. I went with Kathy where we got breakfast foods and deli meats and cheeses. The off we went with the church van full of stuff to Surfside, Texas where we had an awesome house on stilts right on the beach.

     I spent the whole weekend in the glorious beautiful weather on the beach learning how to "walk worthy" I have to say it has strengthened my faith some on my god. We had an awesome guest speaker name Susan she has been through a lot in here life and knows what it is to have a broken life such as I have had. It was also an emotional weekend I did a lot of crying. I sure hope I am able to attend next year also.

     However, I had to come back to reality and the pain in my real life. Its a never ending story of things going wrong. I tried so hard with the funds I get to cover our rent and with Dennis being out of work for so long we still ended up being over drafted in our bank and we are being charged 2.50 a day till we can get it back to a positive standing as of now we are negative 107.41 and counting daily. Dennis(thank you Jesus) finally has a job but, they pay every two weeks he wont get a check till Friday. Which that keeps rent a center calling and wanting to take the washer&dryer,my teen boys beds, and our TV. Stuck in a hard spot. It really upsets me when i start losing my things even though we try so hard to keep our head above water. I know I wish i had all these things paid for but we don't and these are things we need. Okay so maybe we could do with out the TV but, it is nice to have it.
     Then there was the Sunday afternoon Dennis picked me up when I came home from the retreat. He was going about 60 and the driver side front wheel A frame feel apart(i think that is what it is called) So Monday Dennis managed to get a ride to work from a church member then he hitched hiked home. Oh wait I am jumping ahead of myself okay so my car left us on the side of the road broke down. Thank god we had church members stop and help us and even was able to help get our car towed to our house. Thank you god for placing these angels on earth in my life.Okay so now we don't have any idea how Dennis will get back and forth to work and we have no idea how we can pay for our car to get fixed. I had to remind myself that God has this because he soon showed me another angel on this earth and yes another church family member to help us through a hard time. He not only loaned his very nice pickup truck to us to borrow while we are trying to get the car fixed and put back together but, he is making it possible for us to get the parts to fix our vehicle. I am in awe of what god does for us I give him all the glory because I know without him none of this would be possible. I thank god daily for my church family. They are so unlike my "family" which btw is never there for me anyhow. When they help "family" its because they expect more or something from you and to be repaid. My church family says it is a gift from god. I cry at this fact I have never known such kindness. However, I do plan to repay what has been given to me. I am not sure how right now I will mow there yards, or clean there homes etc. and I hope to one day be back on my feet instead of always being kicked down right at the moment when things look like there going to get better.

Ten Signs Of A Best Friend..ok got this from the web

In the ever less than perfect world where all bad things happen and where all misfortune are present, it is but necessary that you have someone to rely to if you fell this world is especially crumbling upon you. However it is not good to just choose anyone to your liking. There are signs that you should take note when choosing a best friend.
Here are simple 10 signs that you are really best buds:
1. Both of you have shared so much and learned so much about life that you think you are worthy to be featured in TV series or to be included as guests in media interviews and whose stories are noteworthy to be written as novels. This one sign will make you look back of the times you have together through good and bad yet you still stick to one another.
2. No dull moments. Even if you are not talking to each other, you still feel comfortable and at ease even in silence. However when you do talk to each other it seems like you don't have enough time to talk about things you want to talk about.
3. You are always sending each other dedication every once in a while if not everyday. Your organizer is ready to burst with all the post-it and reminders he or she is sending your way.
4. He or she can cheer you up during the times you will need him or her around. He/she is the kind of person who will make every event in your life as his/her own then at your lowest times; he/she is there to be the shoulder you can cry on.
5. You miss each other like crazy. You can never simply sit in one corner thinking about your friendship, you let him/her know even if it means costly phone credits and bills. And he/she does the same. He/she also let's you know that he/she feels exactly what you are feeling.
6. You imagine him/her as the godparent of your future kids even if it will still be decades before having one. It is easy for you to think about the future ahead and your friendship with him/her.
7. You share codes for everything. And these codes are only just between the two of you. Whatever one of you talks about, the other completely understands even if you are only using your body to communicate.
8. He/she has the nerve to tell you just how crazy your look is or how bad your fashion taste is. He/she can tell you all the negative things you should know and not pretend to like what you say or do. He/she openly discusses what wrong there is to you.
9. You can call her just about anytime whether it is 2 AM or 12 MN. Even if you wake him/her up in the middle of his/her wonderful dream just to vent all your anger resulting from your disaster date, he/she is an ever willing party to listen.
10. You talk to him/her just about anything in life, school and love. You openly tell him/her your secrets without any hesitation or fear of being exposed. In other words, you completely trust her.
Those are just simple signs that you both share the same ideals and ideas which will make you as perfect buds. You can rely on each other not only during bad times but you also enjoy each other's company during good times. Such is the essence of friendship.

disappointments...

     So, I haven't blogged in a while. I was hoping to have more to blog about and keep up with this thing called blogging but,so far it hasn't worked out that way.
     I started a new class at Walden this week I am studying Intro to sociology. I don't think I am liking this class so much and so far it has not been an easy class. I really don't like my instructor he/she has not been helpful what so ever when I don't understand something. I have meet some pretty cool classmates though who also live in Texas. 
     I had a birthday yesterday I turned 39 I look back and I think to myself wow where has the time flown too? I cant possibly be this old already. I want to be young again and have my children as babies. Speaking of babies my oldest Brittany will turn 20 years old tomorrow. I was going through her photo album seeing her so small and innocent breaks my heart and tears welled up in my eyes. I want to go back and savior the moments something I did not do when I was young I had no idea how time would fly.
     I was recently contacted by someone I said I would not allow back in my life. yet there I was stupid me eager and excited as a puppy jumping up and down with my tongue hanging out for her attention. I am so so stupid cause all it caused me was great disappointment. I should know things can and will never be as they once was between us. Maybe its best if I not continue to be on what she calls a talking basics. Why do I continue to do things that cause me pain and hurt? 

Today I Will Make a Difference

Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my
Thoughts. A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to
Be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that
Are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my
Circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as
Stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I will
Avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my
Companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will
Make a difference.
I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before
Me. Time is a precious commodity. I refuse to allow what
Little time I have to be contaminated by self-pity, anxiety,
Or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and
The courage of a giant. I will drink each minute as though
It is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone
Forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving.
Today I will make a difference.
I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life
Is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through
My trash heap of failures. I will admit them. I will correct
Them. I will press on. Victoriously. No failure is fatal.
It’s OK to stumble… . I will get up. It’s OK to fail… .
I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.
I will spend time with those I love. My spouse, my
Children, my family. A man can own the world but be
Poor for the lack of love. A man can own nothing and
Yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at
Least five minutes with the significant people in my
World. Five quality minutes of talking or hugging or
Thanking or listening. Five undiluted minutes with
My mate, children, and friends.
Today I will make a difference.

thoughts....

I had a bad day yesterday. I was tired of no feeling well and finally decided to just go to the Huntsville ER. I really do hate hospitals and the complete unfriendly treatment you get while you have to visit and ER. Its like there are treating robots and not a human. As usual I cam home with both arms blue and bruised because they could not find a vein. The lady who put my IV in did a pretty good job though she managed to get it in the first try but, in a very painful place in my left hand. So, after being there like 6 1/2 hours I was finally able to go home. I was told I need to watch my diet closer and be checked in two days by my doctor(which i don't have one). They said with my blood sugars so high I could of gone into a coma or death. I was dehydrated and was given two bags of fluid.and given shots for sickness and  i got insulin as well. I am feeling better today.

I attended church tonight we had fellowship and bible study. I know last week I wrote on not belonging and I really think in the back of my mind i was searching for a reason to leave my church. I was being selfish and just because I felt disconnected I was looking for the exit. Which I know wasn't right or fair for me to do. Tonight my god found a way for me to have my church family embrace me and show me that people really do care and I don't need to give up so easily.

had a concern...

     I am the first to say the last few days I have been an emotional wreck. Dennis said I just need to stop the med tri- county put me on because something isn't right. He thinks they misdiagnosis me but, hey he isn't a doctor and he said well the doctor who put me on this crap has seen me just once and I said I know I'm just getting on this crap and trying to stop this roller coaster I am on. I am also having complications with my diabetes for the last 4 days my BG has been in the 600's which isnt good. I have been so thirsty and the potty has seen a lot of me,major dry mouth. Looks like I may be on my way to the ER real soon to get insulin shots to help get my BG down some. I don't think the pills I take are enough but, since I do not have insurance they will not put me on insulin that I need which is stupid.

     I am having issues and I know my husband very well its others I don't trust. Its sad to say the first and only time we meet this women was at a bar called Mangos that my step son was playing at. This women is my step sons mother in law too. Tall fake blonde if you ask me even her boobs are bought. She was all over my husband that night and didn't seem to care his wife was just a few feet away. Well she recently added my husband on FB see now I wouldn't of had an issue with that if she had also added his wife which she did not so I turned around a few days later and added her to my page just to see what was up. So far she hasn't contacted my husband so I don't know why she just had to add him. Trust me he is head over hills in love with me his young almost 39 year old wife who yep is on the plump side but that's what he likes darlin..lol not tall ,skinny,fake, and bought. I have to say this isn't a good way to get on the good side of this family.

     I know I shouldn't be so insecure but seriously show me a person who isn't at times. Its just that we have enough going on without some outside force trying to play with our minds. Sometimes you see things coming at you and you just want to scream I am a child of God ...Devil get the behind me because I am not going to let you hurt or break my family. The devil does come in all forms you know.

Glamorous....

run....

Our family is the proverbial egg that we were hatched from. Everything about who we are, both our nature and nurture comes from our family. Often in western society, we stray far from our family and may not talk to them for years at a time. We may feel that we have nothing in common with them. We may choose to run away from our roots because they are too painful to face. Ultimately however, our past holds the key to our future. If we do not face where we come from, we will have difficulty understanding our present and future.

Everyday has been a battle for me. My bipolar has told me more then once I was better off dead. I fight that thought daily. I am still working with my meds when I can rember to take them though. I am so tired of being so sad and I keep asking myself when does this pain ever end?why does life have to be so hard?Not many know how I feel.. I never let you in or know this side of me. I am tired of hiding!! I even have to hide from me......

I do not understand why some get to have the perfect life. Then there are those like me who from the moment I was conceived from a one night stand"I was the mistake" and growing up with the distusting men who used a child for there sexual gratafication(sp).The dysfunctional family life of not having anyone to love and care for me as a mother and father should. Why even at almost 39 yrs old does all of this still haunt me? Why do I still search for belonging?and never find it?

survived this hump day

I survived this Wed. Its almost midnight and then this day will be over with. Today is my little sister Tabitha's birthday and I found out from her mom that she is spending it in jail. I want her to have a good life and I want her to get away from the drugs. I have offered her a way to get a new life and a new start but, she says she will and then has her excuses. I think jail might be the best place for her no matter how much I love her then in Oct. I hope the judge gets her to a rehab where she can get the help she needs. I know her children need her and I know she needs to straighten up her life.


We went to church this evening Calvary Baptist is a good church but, I could not help but wonder as Dennis and I sat at a table together yet alone where do I fit in?Everyone has there own little clicks. Sure they are friendly to us while at church but no one really embraces us. I know it is wrong of me but, I know I never really fit in anywhere. I want to have that family feeling so bad. Is it bad to want someone to accept and love me and have me a part of theirs lives as I want them in mine? I know God love is unconditional but I find good christian people still judging. Maybe its because we aren't wearing the nicest clothes, we are broke?Heck I don't know but, I find it hurts me.


I got this sent to me in a group I am in today and wanted to share it on here also.Makes me think even more. I thought I had found a place I belonged but, I don't know anymore.


Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for YOU, declares the LORD.""Never give the devil a ride; he will want to take over the driving." Dear Woman of God, Be still for a while and praise God for His favor, His grace and His awesomeness. God is able to do the impossible and is always near. He loves us unconditionally. Together, let's get 1000 ladies to praise Him with one voice in this next hour. Please forward this to every woman you want God to bless. Let's all say this prayer during this hour: Dear God, This is my friend whom I love and this is my prayer for her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations.. Help her to shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs You the most, and let her know when she walks with You, she will always be safe. Amen! Now you're on the clock . . .Tell nine sisters you love them, including me. Get going girl!!Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet.

invisible

Hmmm good to know I am not invisible but, I can tell I am not high on your friends list. As normal she comments her and chats her while my messages and I get ignored.Do I need to shout and cry every time to be noticed? I am so sick of always coming to be second. I don't treat people as they treat me I think if I did I wouldn't have anyone talking to me. Maybe I need to just stop commenting or trying to chat them up then maybe just maybe I would be missed?Nah, I think your right I wouldn't even be missed!!So why bother right!!I think I am done with trying!!Going back to sitting in my corner where I am loved and adored by all....oh no wait thats just the reflection of me....All alone :(

We are all visitors to this time, this place.

We are merely passing through.

Our purpose here is to observe, to learn,

to grow and most importantly to LOVE...

and them we return home.

Friend should be Radical;

They should love you when you're unlovable,

Hug you when you're unhuggable,

And bear you when you're unbearable.

A Friend should be Fanatical;

They should cheer when the whole world boos,

Dance when you get good news,

And cry when you cry too.

But most of all, a Friend should be Mathematical,

They should multiply the joy, Divide the sorrow,

Subtract the past, And add to tomorrow,

Calculate the need deep in your heart,

And always be bigger than the sum of all their parts.

Vessel of Mercy

Lord make me a channel of your peace When I am depressed show me compassion and do it with ease. Let me see that there is more in life then just me Fill me to the brim and only mercy let me see. Open me up and let my light shine For other peoples problems are greater then mine. Take away that stubborn nature that ties me down Lift me up and plant my feet on solid ground. I wan to be all that you want me to be My service is your desire Give me angel wings and let me fly a little higher. Make me a vessel of mercy Father, make me a vessel that's true Fill me love and compassion and fashion my heart to a vessel worthy of you. Unknown Author I'm going through a dry time,Lord; I feel no joy inside. It seems that You are far away and not here by my side. I know I have to trust you, Lord, but sometimes I feel so weak. I feel my prayers have floundered...Lord, I need to hear You speak. Love, Your Child

my good news

     I totally agree that life is a journey and you never know from one minute to the next where it will lead you to. Life may have thrown us to the ground again with Dennis being laid off from his job with Reed's but, it has been said that god will replace that with something better. I know we are suppose to be patient and stand still and wait for our blessing but, after a month I can not stand still any longer. My fears over whelm me and I am scared of what could happen next. Will I lose my home I have lived in over a year and come to love so much or will my landlord understand what we and so many others are going through in this rough time. I ask my god to send him thoughts of understanding for me and my family, that he too just be patient a little while longer. I also know if I do lose my home that god will give me something better in his own time.


     I can not believe I did not hope on here right away and tell you all about my good news and the works of god in my life. It was the last day of our revival and the evangelist David Crane moved the sprite in me. I knew I had not been living right for a long time now even though I had become a child of god a long time ago I strayed and I needed to stop the sin in my life and live as he would want me to. I rededicated my life to the lord July 21st I was reborn again and I felt this huge mass be lifted off my shoulders. I know it may not be a miracle in some peoples eyes. However it was a huge one to for me. I know this is also not a fast fix for my mental illness. I have been bi-polar for years and not living on medications as I should. I go back to tri- county on Aug 2 to talk to the doctor and get on my meds. Its a chemical imbalance I've been told its not because I'm crazy although at times I often as myself that question am I crazy? I want everything to be okay. I don't want to have these suicidal thoughts anymore. I know I need more help and I have reached out and began the process for that. I now now it doesn't make me any less of a person then I am sometime people just need more help then others.


     God blessed me with friends, and family, and even more with my MCH family. I feel god is still shaping me into the person he wants me to be. I now I have been a long time works in progress. Thank you lord for helping my son come to love you and it was because of him that brought us back to the church and for our eyes to see. Bless you all.

this week...

     I haven't written in a few days or so. I need to update on whats going on with me. Lets see this past Sunday Dennis and I finally found a home church and are trying to get to know our new church family by attending a revival they are having there all week. The evangelist there this week is David Crane and he is pretty good. He has moved us several times this week and tomorrow night will be our last night for the revival.


     My youngest son Joshua who is 11 went up front to be saved and I and Dennis was in awe of gods work within our children recently but, the youth leaders told us Josh may be to young and did not understand what he was doing when he went up front to be saved.That kind of hurt my feelings to be honest. I am hoping though that when he gets involved in Sunday school and youth on wed nights he will learn more about the lord and what that decision means.


     I found myself thinking about my ex best friend Robin this week. I really feel sorry for her and how she must be a really miserable person with the life she has and how trapped she is. However, I cant be friends with her ever again she hurt me to much and wants to blame it all on me. I claim my faults i'm not perfect sometimes I say or do the wrong things but, I don't have a switch like she does and just throw friendships away as she had. I cherish my friends a little more then that. I do miss her though even with all the rubbing raw and stuff.


     I have an appt with tri county tomorrow. I am hoping that I can get in with there services. Maybe this time I should try to stay on my medications and then maybe I wont get so depressed with life when it slams us to the ground again. Dennis is still looking for work. He beats the pavements everyday. We have faith something will come through soon.
  
     I am still rocking on with my schooling just completed my second college math course I had a finally grade of a 79 which for me isn't bad at all. I was excited. I am now into American government class...can you say "BORING" I know it is to me and something I find no interest in.
     Okay I am going to close and get to bed "I HOPE". I have the oddest sleeping habits I get to bed about 2 or 3 am and I don't do early mornings. Good thing my appt in the morning is at 10.

can not be strong anymore

      I appear on the outside to have it all togther. It always seemed so much easier to smile and pretend everything is ok instead of letting people worry about me. As very few of you know Life has slambed Dennis and I to the floor again. We have had so many blessings and I think that is why the devil is on double time work duty attacking my family and it is really working on me. I am having my panic attacks and I am deeply depressed. The stress of not haveing a job and Dennis unable to find a job has us at each other,and I am sad all the time. All I want to do anymore is do my college homework assignments,and crawl back into my bed and sleep and not have to face the word. No this is not good for me. We have gone through what little money we had saved now and I am really scared. Not knowing how I am going to feed my kids from day to day is a big stress. We are a little behind in the rent now and the landlord has started to shadow us with wanting it now. School starts next month Aug 22nd here and I have no idea how we will buy the kids school clothes and school supplies. I know you all think wow Amy is so strong she always has it togther. I know as VP of MCHAA (methodist childrens home alumni assocaition) I should not even admit this publicly like this.But, I need to get this off my shoulders. The pain is so deep and some days I want it to stop. I woke this morning and I did not want to be here anymore I knew that was my sign. I called Dennis right away and he went to tri county to get me some help. I have an appt. I know I will have to go back on medication something I do not want to do because then I have to admit to myself I am ill again and thats hard for me.However, I can not just give up. I have 4 wonderfull kids and a wonderful husband. I dont want to sleep my life away either.So, please dont judge me to harrashly. I am only human!! My god is an awesome god and I am calling out to him for help. please pray for me!!!

Calvary Baptist

     Today I was able to witness my son Justin's baptism. I also think we may have found a new home church. This church just put me at ease as soon as I walked in the doors. No, the people did not seem all that friendly maybe that will come later I am not to sure. We are going back to church there this evening also.

     Justin gf Mika broke up with him today because she is wiccan and does not believe in Justin being a christian but, hey that's is her loss. Justin is a good kid well on his way down the right path in life.

     I had a trip to Waco yesterday for my MCHAA BOD meeting. It went fairly well although it was a very long meeting. Looks like next year homecoming will be held at the Clarion Hotel and not at the Hilton as it has been for the past three years. Which is good with me because that is where we like to stay with the cool indoor pool and all. I am already looking forward to homecoming next year.

     Here is some of Justin baptism pictures we took.

catching up

     Hello, I am in need of catching up. I have been busy doing my 2nd college math course and none of it is easy so it takes me longer to do then most.

     I bought a new car last week so I could have a second vehicle because I am sick of being stuck home all the time with kids. Its an old car but its new to me and it is in really good shape. I bought a 94 Ford Crown Victoria. I love it because its still big enough to fit all five of us in it and the AC is cold, that's most important to me especially with how hot our Texas summers have been.
     So, it seems like we have been to broke to do anything this summer and wow how has the time flew by we only have like 4 weeks till school starts again. We took July 4th and went to Galveston for the day we spent the day at schlitterbahn and then when it closed at 8 went went to the seawall and posted up on the beach and waited for the fireworks to start. It was a magical moment and we had and awesome time.

     Anyhow this week has proven to be another new challenge with Dacoda he seems to really push my buttons but, he is learning to compromise i think and we can work on our issues. I fought way to long and to hard and been through hell with the system to give up on him now. I must say I am really shocked that my adopted mother Georgia Ann is staying away and not interfering. Maybe she actually does see how she ruined Britt and Dacoda lives and none of this ever would of happened if they wouldn't have been so selfish and gave my children back to me and let me raise them as it should of been instead of them trying to keep them as meal tickets and pawns.
     

quiet

     Well things around my house today were a little more peaceful today. After being up till after 1 am upset and crying over this whole issue with this girl named Shannon and finding out about things I wished I had not. I contacted the girl last night after I seen I was not getting through to Dacoda about the whole issue. She is a major slut!! I told her to leave both my sons Justin and Dacoda alone I do not even want them to be friends with her and she will be removed from there FB friends list as well and I told her if she continued to be a problem I was going to take the 30 pages of messages her and my son did to her mother and show her what an angel she is. I could not believe some of the filthy crap I was reading between the two of them. I also can not believe my 17 year old son has already slept with her. He says he used protection but, she told the boys she cant get pregnant which I am sure is another load of BS and I pray he used protection I would hate for him to be tied to this trailer white trash for the rest of his life. This girl is only 17 also and very stupid and very slutty. She stated in one message that counting my son she has already slept with 11 people. I say people because she proclaims to be bi and some of them was girls.
     I changed the password to the router so he could not get on his psp and txt with her. I was so freaking pissed off when I found out he had been lying to us about breaking up with her. I have a bad temper and I can yell when I am upset.
     So, today was quiet around here Dennis my husband took Dacoda to town to fill out and drop off more job apps. He wants to be grown and keeps reminding us to get out of his business because he is 17 okay well time to be grown and get a job and start pulling your own weight. You want a car and to take driver ED. but you don't want to show any responsibility. Time to change all that.
     I went swimming in our pool today with my youngest son Joshua then I was so tired from being up over 24 hours I crashed and slept till about 7 when I woke up smelling dinner and remembered I needed to eat something. My sugar levels have been high and I have not been taking care of myself as I should. I know I need to work on that.
     I think Dennis was let go from his weekly job at Reed's Landscape and irrigation however, I don't think Dennis really gives a damn about it right now since Reed is an ass and was cutting pay down more and more per week and the hours was cut more and more per week. Things seem to be working out though because Dennis has some tile work to do for our company Dawn Construction.In my opinion that is better for him anyhow he is no spring chicken and it has been so hot here already been lots of triple digit heat. I guess I wont worry about him as much. He does say he will find another permanent job though. I still haven't had any luck in going to work seems no one wants to hire me. I only got one interview also. I guess it will happen when it does for now I am going to continue to pursue my bachelors in Human resources and Business administration. 

miss him already

It was a beautiful Sunday here in Huntsville, TX. I had planned to spend sometime with Dennis and relax in the pool but since I had been up most the night trying to reformat my laptop and get it working correctly about 11 am i crashed and did not wake up till about 4pm and so i missed out on all the sunshine and relaxing in the pool. I really wish I could sleep at nights. I do not know why i am not able to get on a "normal" sleeping habit. It is rather frustrating.
Justin left this morning to go to Arlington for a week with the church for a mission trip. I am so proud of him. I miss him already he has never been gone any where for more then a few days. I bet Dacoda is liking it though because he gets their room all to his self. One good thing is we are down to two kids and one less mouth to feed this week..lol wow can these boys eat.

my kiddos....

Dacoda with our newest  to our family Baxter

My handsome son Justin he is only 15 and already has facial hair

And this is my youngest and the baby of the family

Joshua isnt he cute. I plan to get hom a hair cut this week

Last but not least my fur babies 

Neely whom ive had since a tiny baby and is now 8 years old and our new puppy Baxter

family issues

   I had some major issues going on in the house yesterday and I was not sure how I was going to have to deal with it.
   I know I did not raise Dacoda nor has he been around his brothers to have some morals and values to be instilled into him so this was a very difficult subject to deal with.Justin was so upset and hurt by it all and actually hated his brother for it. Justin had dated this girl named Shannon who we soon found out was not the best girl in high school to date. She even let Justin know while they was dating she had slept with one of her ex bf's. This put a bad taste in my mouth about her and I already did not like her. It got worst when she went for my older son Dacoda and Dacoda not caring or having any morals and lines to cross boundaries about this subject started dating her and she was already confession she loved him so much. I just wanted the little slutty pants to go away. Anyhow after a day of everyone screaming at each other and being pissed Dacoda finally decided to do the right thing and broke up with Mz Slutty pants!! Much to my approval and he also apologized to his brother Justin and told him he did not mean to cause problems between them over a girl.

not a bad one

     Today was not to bad of a day. Dennis went to work on a tile job he is doing and the two oldest boys Justin and Dacoda went swimming in the lake and went fishing all day. These poor kids must be gluten for punishment because these white boys came home really red sun burnt and hurting bad.
    
      I got some good news and some much needed answer to some prayers and some financial issues I have been having and it looks like in a few weeks something will be a little better.

     I also got some bad news today. It appears my baby brother Shawn all 6ft4" and 374 lbs. of him ,who just got out of prison 6 months ago couldn't not seem to stay on the straight and narrow and ended up back on the drug "ice". I am praying he is not sent back to prison he has so many issues and he needs help and prison isn't the help he needs. I pray they will send him to a rehab for the drugs.On the other hand I am so pissed off at my sister Brandy and my bil I do not understand how he could work for them and they not see that there was something wrong with him and tried to do something before it went this way for him. So, now if I want to see my brother I have to go to Huntville detention center for now to see him.


  I have not been sleeping well for the last few days its almost 1 am so I am hoping I can lay down and go to sleep but, Im not counting on it. I can lay there till dawn and watch the tv then once the sun is up I can fall asleep so fast its very odd. I feel that its still other lying health issues going on with me. Not sure if its pinned to mental issues or not.


  I also talked to my mom today and let her know I was not going to be able to make it out there. I also hinted around to her about coming to see us. It would be a nice change and my family never does come to see me so I think if they want they could come here just as well as we go there every year.

wonder why

So, as I sit here after trying to do some of my geometry homework and not getting to far with it since I can not concentrate and my rain feels like it is fried, I thought I would come blog. It feels like ages since I blog. I used to blog on myspace a lot. Then I stopped because me being so open I spoke my mind and there was some people who had a problem with things I said so anyhow I stopped. However, now I don't give a rats ass who reads this or what they don't like this is my life and I am not going to sugar coat things.


I went to court this morning to be at my ex husbands bond hearing. I do not know why the judge took pity on the poor man who for years managed to not pay his child support he lowers his bond to a $500 cash bond. It was funny he is 40 years old and stated in court to the judge he would have to ask his mom if she could get him the money to bond him out. Seriously, his mom can not be such a big wuss that once again she lets her son out on a free pass instead of making him do what he has to. I am hoping he don't bond out and he has to sit there till our next court hearing on CS on Sept 28th personally I feel he belongs in jail for over a year he has done nothing but live between his mommy's house and his gf Shannon's house two women who enable him to sit on his ass in there homes and not lift a finger. He lives in the Austin area but he can not find a job. The judge laughed at him about that one. My ex James is a big loser always has been wished id of known then what I know now but he is 40 and still a big loser and has nothing going for himself. He likes to go to Grahams in Austin and yet has money to go there and drink but he can not pay his CS. HMMMMMM!!

This is a picture of my ex with his gf Shannon at Grahams actually isn't that funny.
 I feel sorry for Shannon because she is a stupid bitch who is so desperate for a man to be in her life she will keep a loser like my ex James...who BTW not only has 3 children with me he doesn't support but the ignorant ass went and started a new family and had three more children with another women who finally woke up and left his ass and he don't support them kids either.THATS 6 KIDS TOTAL THAT HE DOES NOT SUPPORT!!!

more of my family

This is my mom(Judy) & my aunt Darlene

This is my mom(judy), my baby cousin Sarah, and my aunt Shirley

god opens new doors

So, Today I was stressing because we found out Dennis boss in which he works for Reeds landscape and irrigation has been screwing him out of his pay since April. He quotes "because it is his company he can pay any way he likes" and his pay scale he has set in motion really does suck. He is taking it out on his employees who get out in this sometimes 105F weather and bust there humps to make a pay check but also make this man a lot of money. It is not his employees fault that his work is slow due to the drought we are in so that he can make a "profit". I think it is really shitty of this man to do his employees this way and I am not sure but, I don't think much can be done since all of his employees are contract labor. However, I bet the IRS would like to know a few things about his business. I know sometime my mouth gets me in trouble and yea sometimes it over loads my ass but, I am a out spoken person and I don't lie or pretend to be something or someone I am not and sometimes people don't like what I have to say.
Anyhow on to the open door so since Dennis has had a check of under 80 dollars for the last two weeks and for a family that don't get welfare help its pretty impossible to feed our kids much less pay bills. So, Dennis had an old friend and client call him up and asked him to do some work and Dennis can make more in two days then he can with Reed in two weeks so Dennis is doing what he has to do to support his family. Even if that means Reed might let him go for it.

How do I disappoint her

I have been avoiding calling my mom for days. I know I am going to get the dreaded question "are you coming to the reunion?" I really hate to disappoint my mom and I know this will disappoint her very much especially since I have Dacoda home and I know everyone would like to see him.
Its really not because I don't have the money to go. If I wanted to go I could its really based on the fact I just don't want to go. I would rather spend our money on a trip to Kemah or New Branfuels(sp) then to go to yet another very boring event at the Robert Lee community building that has nothing to do but sit and look at people. Most the time everyone has there own little family clicks so we don't get spoken to much so I don't see why we would want to go an be ignored again this year. Also its just not the same without my grandma we loved to stay at grandmas and then I actually had time to visit with my grandma and my mother. Now I don't get to visit with my mom she is so busy trying to please her family and her family she gets to see once a year is put on the back burner. So, no I do not want to go to the reunion this year.
Actually I am upset with my mom on the fact that she can not make plans to come see her children. We all are located right here in the same area and she would be able to make plans to see and visit all three of her children but, my mom always has an excuse. I am tired of hearing the excuses really I am.

Hello starting new

I am on blogger under a different screen name. However, I did not keep up with that page or that blog so I decided to start a new page and a new blogger and I hope I can keep up with this one. I want to introduce my family to you all. I have a wonderful family and I will start with the love of my life for 14 years and this month on June 30 will be our 4Th wedding anniversary.
this is Dennis my husband he completes me and I do not know where my life would be if he had not come into mine.









Then I will start with my oldest child my daughter Brittany is beautiful and she left me to live in NYC on July 6, 2010 I miss her very much and wish she would come home but she is 19 years old and life is a party to her so she is out living it up.














Next would be my second child Dacoda he is 17 years old and came to live back at home last month for good. Its a long story why he didn't live with me and that will give me material to write about in a future blog.














My third child is Justin and he is 15 years old. He is the sunshine in my day and moms shouldn't have favorites but I think he is mine.
I have included two pictures of him because one is how he looked just a few days ago with his blonde afro and the 2nd one is how he looks now.





















okay and third is my baby Joshua he just turned 11 years old. He is a little ham and likes to make his mommy smile,he is the light in my life.